This is helpful. I get where you're coming from.

I think a lot of my issue is that when he does something hurtful he has a tendency to withdraw and then, when he comes back, he's developed all of his defenses while he was withdrawn. In the past even for things he's previously expressed hurt about me doing (like forgetting we had plans and making other plans), when I'm hurt he's done it, he'll withdraw and then when he re-engaged have this defense prepared about how if I'm hurt it's because I just don't appreciate all the other things that he's done and actually HE'S the one who's hurt that I would even take offense at this because it means I'm unappreciative of his other efforts to be a good boyfriend.

So in other words I guess I have very bad associations with him withdrawing after hurting me since it usually means he's about to get very defensive.

And he does know that when I'm hurt I prefer to be comforted - this has come up before. In that instance he withdrew and it's because, as mentioned before, he was basically crafting his defenses for why the thing he did might seem objectively hurtful but it was really my fault.

Ugh sorry this is a mess. But your post was helpful.