I get now that those were awful things. That stuff is over four years old now. I'm ashamed I used to say things like that, and I've removed non-inclusive comments like those from what I say. I'm clearly still paying the price for saying them before. I should have said as much in the original post.

I feel I have grown a lot since that stuff originally transpired. I really did change saying things like that. I threw myself into getting better in my field, and I did receive a significant recognition for my contributions in the past six months for the work. Some things have changed for me.

Reflecting on it last night, I just never really talked about this subject with anyone after the initial backlash from friends when these things originally went south. Well, I talked to my two closest friends about it some, and they really just had my back like you expect friends to do. I wish they'd challenged me about it.

I do see a therapist now. This subject just recently came up, and they really pushed on me about my past actions and what I need to do now. It was so different from what I've gotten from the friends close to me that it caused me to come here to get more perspective. I tried to be very transparent in the post as a result. I wanted honesty.