I have been very self-conscious after seeing a partner use porn/know they used porn because, in my mind, it validated fears about my body. Knowing someone selected porn that had women who were thinner than me, had bigger breasts, etc. made me think that was proof that they’d be more attracted to me if I looked like that. So to me, it felt like a partner telling me I wasn’t as attractive as someone else. It made it incredibly difficult for me to then be naked, because it was like a direct comparison. My brain went, “How could he find me attractive if that’s what he likes?” It almost felt like discovering he’d lied to me in acting attracted to me. It was like a punch to the gut.

Now, I feel differently. I’ve used porn, myself, and (for me, anyway), it has zero to do with the participants in terms of who I’d want to have sex with. I actually prefer porn that is more authentic (not as much random shrieking/faked o’s), so I kind like solo or amateur same-sex content. I could find some things about porn threatening because my body image stuff is very, VERY ingrained, but I do not feel the way I used to.

I have worked on body image/fitness/issues with spectatoring/anxieties for over 25 years now, and they are most definitely still a problem for me. I would ask if this is how she feels. If it’s not this, and it’s the actual act of touching yourself at all, or feeling like that is gross/shameful/offensive, I got nothin’ for ya, because that shit is hot as hell.