I've known about this trip since the start of last year. I've spent months crying, screaming, having anxiety attack after anxiety attack. It got so bad that I'd randomly break down into sobbing and couldn't focus on my university work. I'd told them multiple times about my situation with my cousin but essentially my NMom hadn't believed me and my EDad, as per usual, enabled her. I made so many plans on how I was going to escape this situation. To magically disappear right before our flight. To pack my shit silently and stash it at my SO.

But there's just too much to do and too little time. My Nparents have my birth certificate, SIN, citizenship card, passport, immunization records, health care card, etc. in a briefcase, locked in a safe I do not have access to. And despite being 20 years old, I can't ask them for my documents without drawing any attention to my plans to leave which is dangerous for my physical safety. I could get the police involved but my Nparents are natural manipulators and might be able to somehow convince them that I'm a troubled, chronically depressed adult with running-away tendencies; I don't want to leave any of that up to chance. But the biggest thing holding me back is money. I don't have a job at the moment and it's very hard to get one with the severe economic downturn in the place I live. I'd need to be able to pay the security deposit, tenant's insurance, and the security deposit. I'd need to find a roommate I could trust. I'd need to buy furniture, food, and the basic necessities. I'm a full-time student right now and since my program is so specialized and I'm going into my third year, I can't take a partial course load because my major has been finalized by my faculty. I can't stay with any of my friends at the moment because they're all living with their parents and they have similar degrees of narcissism. My SO's family is going through a huge divorce and I couldn't ask that of them when they're going through financial troubles of their own. My student loans are capped at a certain amount and while 30K of debt might be worth the freedom, if I manage my finances poorly I'd have to come back and then the abuse would be 100x worse.

The more I cried, the more anxious about the whole thing. My EDad assured me he'd be supervising my interactions with my cousin but I don't know how much I believe that. I'm a red belt in Tae Kwon Do so I'm not worried about physical confrontation entirely, it's just the amount of emotional damage I could get from 40 months there,