Somehow, its escallating for me... It seems optimistic when I said I might survive untill the end of the year. I think its gonna be more like two weeks.

I I tried most things I could. Although, not everything.

Im thinking about suicide for years. Seriously planning to do it for 3-4 months now.

The only thing I didnt try recently is seeing a psychiatrist. But I have good reason not to do it. If I was honest with him, there is no way he would not put me in a ward. And ward is worse than prison for me. Not having physical freedom is something I can deal with. However, it is hard to keep my mind free in a ward. I know this from an experience. And if I kept suicide as a secret then there is no point talking to psychiatrist.

I was put in a psychiatric ward when I was a 14years old. I skipped school many times. My parents put me in a hospital because they believed I do drugs or something which turned out to be silly idea. I just did not see any point in going to school when there was beatiful weather outside, so I was cycling instead, walking in the forests and so on. Doctors kept me in a hospital for about a month and it had no outcome, doctors just said -- Well, he is very inteligent and very maladaptive. Actually that was good because I had sort of free pass for eventual unexcused absences at school, but thats it. They also said I should take zoloft but it blurred my mind heavily, so I did not.

Now, more than 10 years later, it is still very hard for me to find point in anything. I just dont care. I tried to care, I cant, its not my decision, my decision was actually to be like others, but I really cant.

I dropped out of good university twice without failing exam single time. It is hard to get admitted to this uni, well apparently it has no value for me. I quit working. I dont want to do anything. I see no point, there is no motivation for me. The only thing that is real for me is overwhelming pain. However I dont see myself as ill. I see things very clearly. For example, people who are reffered to as depressed predict future much more realistically than "healthy" ones. Not wearing rose colored glasses is hardly being ill.