Hello everyone. I feel like I've been having this conversation for 10 years....

I'm 29 years old and I probably weigh between 270-285 (my highest weight was about 290). I haven't weighed myself in months because I can't bring myself to do it. I've been obese for most of my twenties but in 2012 I moved to San Diego and began to live healthy. I learned how to cook, how to eat clean, and discovered that I was a runner. I would wake up at dawn, drink coffee, and hit the pavement. Sometimes I would run at the beach. I also learned how to lift weights. I lost nearly 90 lbs and was SO CLOSE to one-derland. Last year I decided to move back to my hometown of Las Vegas so I could finish my degree (geology woo woo!). Everything is going well enough but I gained back nearly all my weight.

I've started binge eating again. I've started smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. What happened to me? I was so on point in California. I'm so ashamed of the way I look that I avoid my friends. If they ask me out I just say I'm too busy with school. My grades are even starting to suffer because I can't focus anymore. I haven't had sex in over a year and half because I can't imagine any man finding me remotely desirable.

Anyway, I smoked my last pack on Wednesday and bought nicotine patches. Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in months. I started the C25K program and it wasn't until the 6th interval that I started to feel like myself again. Even with all this fat hanging from my body, running still makes me feel strong and powerful and free.

My only goal is to forgive myself. I know it sounds irrational, but sometimes I hate myself so much for being obese that I don't think it's worth trying to lose weight. I want to be good to myself. I want to get my degree, go to grad school, travel the world, fall in love... I want a good life. I can't go on like this.