Jesus. That was my Why. I was "living with an audience of one" haha or so I thought. Then I got tired. Maybe i don't know Jesus enough. Maybe I haven't discovered his love for me at all. because I once believed that if people would only see how Jesus loves them, they couldn't resist coming to Him. then where I am now, huh.

"Living with an audience of one" my ass. The "one" that meant to be "Jesus" eventually became "myself" or "many people".

I endured persecution sa family namin as I was the first person in our clan (both sides) who had broken the "religious"/"traditional"/pamahiin practice. And this is normal. The 12 disciples suffered more than these. Jesus suffered more that these things. He died for you, remember? I had to bear my own cross, how could I make them follow Jesus if I was not living an okay life, right? I was once that enthusiast, on-fire Christian who would always entrust everything to God. Shoot. nagpresident pa ako ng org namen dati kahit lagi akong sinesermonan sa bahay haha.

And I admit that I'd been this perfectionist, legalistic, holier than thou kind of person. By the book. Hopeful, always hopeful because God has a plan for me and would never harm me. Miracle catcher. Believer. Leader. Evangelist (in my small ways, okay haha not that big-famous-evangelist kind of evangelist. Counselor - oh boy I love listening to people's stories, then share the principles from the Bible that I think are applicable to their situations. Prayerful. It's amazing to see prayers become your reality.

I hate this question. I was so sure of my WHY. Bakit ba nagscroll down pa ako hanggang dulo dito sa NRD?

Ngayon, I'm this undecided, fearful, guilty black sheep. I know what to do but I can't seem to drag myself to do it. Of course it was not a perfect life, I had my series of ups and downs. My life before was liberating, living for Him, at least, was liberating... but people made it suffocating. Now, I can't seem to go back. puro half-assed replies lang ang naibibigay ko sa churchmates ko whenever I get the courage na mag open ng chat nila. Which, I know how painful it is because I'd been in that receiving end many many times. I'm thinking of excommunicating myself but I also can't. uggggggghhhh i hate it.

lurking here and occasionally interacting with people here in reddit makes me think napaka-out of touch ko sa reality.