i feel like i lost my innocence in stages.
the first time was when my father started hitting me, out of what i'd imagine frustration. i think he'd heard i was smoking cigarettes (i was in high school, and i was), so one day when i asked if i could go over to a friends house he said no before i could even get the words "hey dad, can i" out of my mouth. he said "you think you're so fuckin smart, dont you?" and asked the same question louder and louder and started to hit me a lot, around the face which i shielded with my arms, staring blank because i was in shock my father was hitting me. he was sitting on top of me, beating the shit out of me, and i was absolutely frozen. he got up a few minutes later and said if i had any balls i'd keep it to myself. then left to watch the superbowl at a relative's house.
i didn't know what to do, so i put on a hoodie and walked out onto the lake in -10 wisconsin and just kept walking for a few miles, analyzing what'd just happened, not realizing that it was incredibly fucking cold outside.
ended up walking to my uncle's bar, and telling him what happened. he didn't believe me, and drove me home and dropped me off, where my mom saw me. i told her about it, she didn't believe me either and told me to never mind about it. i slept with the door locked and a knife under the pillow.
dad came home later that night and up to my room and told me to open the door, which i ended up doing because i really wasn't one to say no to my father. especially not to his face.
it was the first and only time my father attacked me out of anger, to which im fortunate because it wasn't an abusive household, but the first time it happens is one you'll never forget.
lost more innocence after being introduced to 4chan.
i lost even more of my innocence in the Marine Corps. i went to Iraq from 08-09, and while my deployment wasn't as intense as other people's, i feel like most everyone sees some shit they wish they didn't.
then after the Corps i started dating this woman. also an iraq vet, with traumatic brain injury from getting IED'd (she was an army MP/MRAP gunner). at first she wanted nothing to do with me, i was kind of man-whorish prior, but i was persistent and won her over. investing myself into this relationship with this woman regained some of my faith and innocence. she showed me her family (of which i didn't have much of one after leaving for the Corps), who accepted me immediately. i helped her stop abusing her medication, she helped me learn how to love fully, and a year goes by. then two years. i lost my job because a contract ended without renewal (i naively believed my boss who leveraged also having been in the Marine Corps and to "trust him", and the contract ended and i was left with my dick in my hand), and told her "i need you to save money now, because im going to take my 401k out to pay for everything, and i might need to call on you later"
coming up on that third year, she stopped taking her medication that prevents seizures and issues with her brain injury. i don't know why she did it, but that's when everything started to really get bad. she stopped helping around the house, left garbage and clothes everywhere, dirty dishes... and in the morning i still set out a towel and made her a cup of coffee before she went to work, like i did every morning. i applied for jobs left and right for 7 months, and didn't get a single interview. even the fucking home depot didn't call me back.
that slow desperation of your life falling apart starts to sink in, and the fact not everything was going to be ok starts circling around you in the shadows.
my gf and i stopped having sex, she started getting more tattoos and chopping her hair off, she got mad because i couldn't afford an expensive birthday for her... and got so drunk at the party i threw for her that when i gave her water to help dilute the alcohol in her stomach, she took a big mouthful and spit it in my face in front of 3 dozen of our friends and laughed. inside, i was furious. outside, i calmly said we need to go. brought her home, calmly took off her clothes and put her in bed. she didn't know what she did or even apologize the next day, and instead got mad and insisted i'd done worse when i was drunk.
about 2 weeks later, it all came to a head. i told her everything about how frustrated i was, about how i was worried how she was acting, how i couldn't do these things by myself and that i needed her, otherwise i couldn't do it anymore, and i needed her to talk to me about what was going on. her only response, the day i ran completely out of money and still had no job, was "fuck you. i'm moving out."
she drove away in her brand new subaru forester with a fully intact savings account with thousands of dollars that i needed, had a new boyfriend the next day (someone i knew), and married him six months later. i ended up getting a full time job that paid about 1/2 my prior salary with no zero benefits. then a second full time job with zero benefits, working both simultaneously 20 hours a day, and sleeping 4 hours a night before doing it again the next day, and i did that for almost 6 weeks trying to catch up and get my head above water and it was about then that i burnt out and had to quit one of the jobs.
i've since stabilized, worked my way to a very well-paying job, and getting promo'd to a network engineer position soon, but the last months of her and my relationship, and the year following completely drained any innocence i had. it was the worst time of my life, immediately after a time when i thought myself absolutely unshakable.