I'm so sorry for your experience, I know the burden it places in your heart all too well.

After reading a bunch of these comments, as well meaning and I'm sure useful in some context they all are, I can't help but feeling a divide between the way a lot of this community (and indeed myself when I joined) views feelings and the the way I view it now.

Like you alluded to, you have every right to be angry. That sounds like a very, very appropriate response. A useful one, too. It informs you about what you value, it acts to keep you safe and to promote justice. If you weren't angry, you would be in a significantly worse situation. Feelings are not a problem that need to be dealt with. It is painful though. And because of shame, overwhelm, complexity, general lack of emotional intelligence, large portions of it tend to be unseen/unknown/unexamined/not understood, and that can lead to problems. I think through thoroughly engaging with it, it integrates and your relationship with it changes. And if at some point it no longer serves its purpose, or a different reaction suits the role better, or the purpose changes, naturally you will let go and adjust. It is okay, you can forgive yourself for feeling this way, and allow yourself to take care of yourself and feel at ease regardless.

So then the question is what does "engaging with it" entail? I won't go deep into my thoughts here right now, but you can also definitely find a lot out for yourself about this. In fact, I think the things you've named are great and can continue being great! Some suggestions are writing a lot, in various different styles, like really inquiring into things and asking and answering questions, willingness to feel, talking (to the right therapist and friends), reading books around this sort of topic (trauma related, behaviour, psychology, spirituality, self help), radical honesty, creative expression (i.e. painting, music etc), maintaining spontaneity, creativity, and a sense of self care/self compassion (***give time to yourself undistracted for example***), getting out a lot (into nature or just for walks), being decisive in order to create a satisfying life, sleep!, regular rigerous exercise, regular hobbies (with other people?), capitalising on good relationships. The earlier stuff is more tailored specifically for engaging with stuff, the later is more just general mental health stuff.

Best of luck.