The realization that my abuse could be dismissed, which could lead to more people getting hurt.

TW: abuse

My mom has paranoid schizophrenia and abused me for years to the point where I now have severe PTSD (officially diagnosed). She has threatened to kill people, including children. And I mean threatened and wanted to kill people as in she had a plan to do it. She also wanted to do a murder-suicide where she would kill me and my whole family. The cops say they can’t do anything until she actual hurts someone or commits a crime. I realized that if I kill myself, 1) she’ll win because she wants me dead, and 2) if she does kill someone, she’ll claim that it was an “accident”. I want to be at her hearings when she finally does hurt someone to make sure she pays for her crimes. So that’s what is keeping me going and has kept me from “completing the act”..