I use these definitions I made for myself to describe things.

For me I want to be female in body first. It's what I first felt. However, also with others I want them to know that I'm female in body. So in the sense of physically I have a binary female identity, and socially I have a binary female identity as well. However, because of my past it has made things difficult for me. The rest is probably not relevant, so you can stop reading if you like. =)

My issues surround how people have treated me in the past, and how sometimes people treat me in the present and that makes me want to walk in the shadows. I love being as gorgeous as I am. I'm not going to lie. This body under these super baggy clothes I love, and I've worked hard for and will continue to work hard for. However, I hate that is my worth. I hate that people feel entitled to it. I also hate the pressure to show that off and flaunt it. I hate when people stare with their eye-fucking-gaze. I have serious issues with people invading my space. It makes me fucking hostile. So that makes it difficult. I can pass in boy clothes without makeup, but then people are pigeonholing me into being a lesbian; I'm not, I'm more like heteroflexible where it bends for MOC people. Which is fine, but then I live in a really shitty town to be visibly LGBT in. It's similar to being a femme male again: everyone has issues with, opinions about, and feelings of entitlement over me again for the way I look or am perceived.

I have yet to reconcile this. So in the sense that people see me as female I have no social dysphoria anymore. I know everyone is reading me as AFAB. I still have a few intense physical dysphorias. However, I have a ton of issues around social interactions. It's not social anxiety, because I could give a rats ass what you think of me. It's more the anxiety of trauma, and that I don't have the body anymore to defend myself or rather to give you a healthy dose of respect which would make you leave me alone. Talk shit to me, that's fine, expect me to flay you with my tongue, but there are consequences to that now. Most people don't fear me the way they used to; totally the opposite, most people think of me as a thin cis female and that they can say and do as they please. I need to be female because of my dysphoria, not because I want to be society's sex object. Back to being fucking hostile.

If I had my way people would respect me like Admiral Cain. Then we can get along <3 It doesn't matter if you see me as male or female in that sense: it's I'm fucking tired of society's shit. Like decades tired of it, but somehow, someway I have to reconcile all of this.

/ranty~semi-related-stuffs