It all stems from attachments, childhood trauma, and ways people have learned coping when dealing with big emotions or thoughts that weren't taught how to properly cope and deal with rejection, criticism, or fear in general.

Not saying that any of it's okay or acceptable but I speak from my personal experience of emotional reactivity to feel 'heard' and respected for the things/feelings I was sharing instead of being rejected, misunderstood, or ultimately abandoned. I learned early on to do anything to be acknowledged as a kid in my household, and sometimes that meant doing things I instantly regret and feel really guilty for. It was modeled to me by my other siblings and even watching it through my parents. Unfortunately, that carried into my relationship with the legitimate love of my life. I hate myself for it, and I'm working on learning how to forgive myself for it. My ex of 6.5 years recently broke up with me and part of it was related to this emotional, physical, and verbal reactivity.

I think the best way to spot it is early on in the relationship within the first six months or so. I was too afraid to let my guard down, but I would still get heated enough to react in a way I wasn't proud of like name calling. It's never okay to call someone you love any sort of vulgar names no matter how upset or angry one gets, but as I look back that probably is what initiated further escalation.

Ultimately, I would converse about childhood experiences, how people make meaning/sense of the their worldview, how they deal with big/strong emotions, how they react or think about criticism, rejection, etc., and if they're able to tap into accessing their emotions and understanding why they're feeling the ways that their feeling. Most importantly, being able to communicate all of that is what would have helped me avoid reacting in the ways that I did -- to take a chance on vulnerability, and I was always too afraid to get rid of that power within myself bc the fear of rejection, being misunderstood, unloved, and abandonment were too strong.

Hoping that's helpful, and I hope by me sharing openly and honestly doesn't result in being attacked by others. I'm a human being with really fucked up childhood experiences. I've acknowledged and accepted I've done literal damage to someone who never deserved to be treated that way. I wished I could take it all back, but what's done is done - what I can do now is focus on healing myself, learning to forgive myself, and work on loving myself to stop reacting out of my insecurities.