This is the letter. My therapist encouraged me to write even if I don’t send it. I’m just going to let it sit in my phone until I decide if it’s just because I miss him. I know there was a reason I was thinking of ending things for so long, I just can’t remember.

From 329 to Shadow Creek..from Colorado to Miami,

From the hammock to San Holo VIP…from six flags back to Carolina.

No matter where we were, you were the world to me.

Falling through the bottoms of reality, floor after floor, to find there’s no end, no bottom.

But just each other to be with, falling in sync.

To walk and walk to some seeming boundary only to find there is no boundary, and we could keep walking.

More than anything, I wanted it to feel easy, effortless.

So badly I wanted to be just right for you.

To break through the walls of the resentment, the deep, deep hurt from you.

To allow love to seep in the cracks and for the wounds to heal over.

___, you continuously showed me that my safety was something to be doctored.

Silencing my cries, threatening to drop me off, the sexual assault.

I deserved to feel and to be safe, always.

Your despicable assault on my body and soul left me broken in ways I did not know were possible. I did not understand how someone could disregard my life and body completely.

I need to know you won’t commit this deplorable act on another soul.

I wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am, rather than just tolerated.

But through all this, what has remained constant, is what I told you on 2/14/21, I love you.

___, I tried so hard.

To do enough and to feel enough, to be enough. For you.

I forgive you. For everything. It’s no one’s fault.

With care,