Please read this whole thing. You need a wake up call. You are ruining your life right now. You are 18 you are joining the real world which is already complicated enough. Adding benzo addiction will be the end of you if you don't wake the fuck up. Getting this off your chest is a cry for help. You realized that bars are fucking your life over and it is getting out of hand. Thank you for posting.
what i’ve realized is that if you don’t have anxiety, you won’t feel anything from xanax. but if you do have anxiety, you will feel everything from xanax.
This is correct but it is a great feeling and a very very bad feeling. Don't let yourself become dependent on them to get rid of anxiety because benzo addiction is not a joke. I know you won't take me seriously but I ask you to try to listen to me. Learn to handle anxiety yourself or it will never get better. Put yourself out there more; talk to 10 strangers a day. Just get comfortable with human conversation and contact. I had horrible anxiety just like you did throughout middle school and high school. I can tell you that avoiding social situations by using drugs won't fix it. It will only make it worse and you become more and more dependent on benzos more and more to escape reality.
what’s crazy about it is i can eat a bar and look mostly sober, maybe just look a little buzzed.
That is what you think. That is what I thought when I was blacked out for days. This is called "delusions of sobriety." The thing is that in reality you look and are acting like a fucking idiot. You think and feel sober but trust me you are far from it. Delusions of sobriety is where most people redose because they think they aren't barred. They black out and they wake up in a jail cell a week later with no memory of what happened. Do you think that is fun? Be smart and respectful to drugs or they will ruin you.
you don’t even feel “high” that’s the thing, it’s just a feeling, and honestly that’s the best part for me because it never becomes too overwhelming. it’s always just a good feeling.
Yea this is how most people explain benzos as well as opiates/opioids. That feeling is what makes them so dangerous. It takes the edge off and makes you feel care free. Yes, I love that feeling of no anxiety and that I give zero fucks about anything. Think about it. You are anxious around people so of course this drug is so great. It completely removes any anxiousness and allows you to socialize with ease. You are thinking, "I did it I don't have social anxiety anymore." You wake up the next morning and you are no longer barred. Your anxiety skyrocketed from ground zero to the moon. It feels worse than normal because last night you were care free woo bars. Now you can't stop thinking about that bar on your shelf. Your brain will constantly think about it whether you like it or not. Tempting you, justifying all the reasons why you EARNED that bar until you can't bear to spend another moment with your anxiety. That nice feeling seems so small. It isn't quite euphoria like you are on stims. You feel like you have a warm blanket wrapped around you. You will think that it is only a "nice" feeling so it won't hurt to have another bar tonight. Nice is what makes this drug so scary. It makes it that much easier to justify having another one and another one and another one.... until you can't imagine living without one.
the fact that xanax is so relieving if you have anxiety makes it both the worst and best drug for those types of people. the worst because u get so fucking hooked on the feeling of having no anxiety.
Great, you know exactly what I am talking about then. It is only a good feeling if you can control your usage. After reading the first sentence I realized that you are fucking your life over. You have one shot at life so don't fuck it up. It is obvious you lack any sort of self control to limit your benzo use. You need to stop using them now.
i didn’t actually black out so i cant distance myself from what i did because i was totally conscious of doing it
Being honest with yourself is a step in the right direction but you aren't completely there yet. Why are you allowed to distance yourself from shit you did while blacked out? You are the one who made the choice to take bars whether you like it or not you are always at fault for your actions. That is an excuse because the last thing you want to do is blame bars for your actions. I understand you can't control your actions while blacked out but you are the one who chose to swallow bars. It takes you a couple days most likely because your brain needs to recover from frying itself from bars.
i get it, it’s the best feeling ever to not have anxiety for a few hours, i really do. i’m probably not gonna stop
If you don't stop now it will get harder and harder. I don't think you understand the dangers of this drug. Many H addicts on reddit say that stopping benzo addiction is worse than heroin addiction. Do you really want to send yourself down that path? The withdrawals when tapering off this drug are only comparable to meth and heroin. Continuing your usage of this substance will increase tolerance and dependency making quitting so much harder and dangerous. If you don't stop now the hallucinations, sweating, insomnia, anxiety, puking, diarrhea, tremors, depression and so many more will just get worse and worse when you finally decide you need to stop. You realize that your tolerance will get high enough within a couple of weeks that you won't even feel it anymore. You will be popping 2 at breakfast, at lunch, and at dinner. That rectangular pill will be your life support keeping your heart beating. Your tolerance will remove any of these positive effects that you are talking about in your post. You will be left with a shitty memory and no positive side effects from the bars. What happens if you miss a dose one day because you ran out of bars? All those symptoms will become your reality very fast. You're chance of death will skyrocket. Do I think you can do it? Of course, anyone that has the motivation can end their addiction. But I f you don't want to stop then you end your addiction. It is as simple as that. I beg you to please consider stopping, the sooner the easier it will be. Stopping now will make your life a whole lot less miserable.
The baratard behavior, the anxiety, the dependency on escaping reality, the constant thoughts of taking bars. Do you think it will get better if you keep taking bars? You know it won't so why fuck yourself over by continuing. It will be the hardest experience in your life but you will come out a better person. If you still don't want to stop after reading this, then I ask you to read your post again and think again. If you still don't then you will continue to pop bars, still acting like a stupid doped up idiot childishly blaming your actions on blacking out. Benzos will ruin your life if you don't have the self control so you will either continue to depend on bars or you will accept this as a learning experience about why drugs need to be treated with a high level of respect and maturity. You can use this to motivate yourself to become the new you. A version of you that doesn't need to escape reality. Grab it by the balls and learn to deal with it and with time you will be able to do it.
If you have been using Xanax often and dosing over than 1mg, consult a doctor as soon as you can to learn about tapering doses so many of the symptoms including seizures and death will be at a reduced risk. Read these manuals to get a better understand of why and how you can end benzo addiction. There is plenty of information that will help you understand benzo addiction. If you do follow through with trying to stop remember to keep yourself distracted. Don't let yourself have the free time to think about benzos. That will just make it worse. Good luck! Please be safe!