On new years this year, I was in new york city for the night. Got in around 8:00 with a friend and checked into my shitty hotel. Around 9:00, my friends start to roll into my room, drugs and alcohol in tow. We start taking shots, and my friend pulls out some yay. We proceed to do an irresponsible amount of said yay. For those of you who haven't done blow before, it makes you feel invincible, but also makes you feel infinitely more sober than you actually are. So, feeling more sober because of the coke, we guzzle a little more liquor and head to the bar. I'm feeling good. About 30 minutes after we get to the bar, a vaguely middle aged woman begins to chat me up, and we start talking about life, what she does, and what I plan on doing after I graduate college (forgot to mention I'm 20). It's beginning to become pretty clear that this lady is a straight-up cougar and that sex isn't out of the question, or at least it doesn't seem like it to me. I'm pretty drunk/excited at this point, so I head to the bathroom to take a piss/collect myself.
When I get back to the bar, I see this lady talking to some other dude much closer to her age, but I (stupidly) don't think anything of it and try to continue our conversation from before. The guy she's talking to promptly gets in my face and asks me what the fuck I'm doing, and I just say that I was trying to continue a conversation from 5 minutes ago. He says that he's this woman's boyfriend, so I back off and go talk to my friends about what happened. They think it's hilarious, but I'm a little frustrated that I just got teased by a hot (potential) mom. It's around 11;45 now, and I'm good and fucked up, being an idiot with my friends like I should. The clock strikes 12 and now everyones kissing someone, and I'm left with my dick in my hand. Not ten minutes later I get a tap on the shoulder; I turn around and it's the cougar I'd been talking to. Before I get a chance to say a word, she grabs my dick (over my jeans) and kisses me for maybe ten seconds. I'm absolutely speechless, but when she pulls aways she says something to the effect of "sorry, I didn't know he was going to show up", and walks away. One of my friends saw this interaction and immediately came up to me to congratulate me, but I'm still trying to drunkenly process it all, so I kind of acknowledge him and we move on. True to form, we continue to booze like there isn't any more alcohol left on the planet, and I look at my phone to see that it's exactly one A.M.
Then I wake up in the hospital. Don't remember how I got there, couldn't even piece it together the day after, but I'm strapped into a stretcher on wheels in a hospital room by myself. In addition to the normal hospital bracelet I have on my wrist, I also have a wristband with the words "FALL RISK" printed in bold. I don't want to be in the hospital anymore, so I unstrap myself from the stretcher and try to get out of the hospital undetected. When I finally get outside, I realize that I'm about sixty blocks away from my hotel, and I am definitely not walking back at four in the morning. after having that thought, I immediately check my wallet to see if I have enough money for a cab ride home, and I have exactly zero dollars. Cold and mildly annoyed, I begin to beg for money in the middle of downtown at four A.M on new years. I scrape together 10 dollars, hail a cab to get to my hotel, and give the driver everything I just panhandled. Upon reaching my hotel, I find several of my fraternity brothers sleeping on the ground in front of the door of my room, so I wake them up and get them inside. It's probably around 5:30 at this point. They explain to me that around 2 AM we were still at the bar and I was physically OK, but I was literally speaking gibberish, pretending that it was english, and then getting upset that nobody could understand me. They said they lost me around that time and no one could find me after that. I tell them what happened to me at the hospital, they laugh their asses off, and we go to sleep.
Around 6:30, I hear a loud knocking at my door, and I open it to find my friend that I came into the city with. He looks like shit, and he tells me that he fell asleep in a subway station and woke up to a conductor asking him "did you have a nice nap?" with pee on his pants and no phone or wallet. All in all, it was an interesting night.
tl;dr went out to bar for new years, teased by cougar, made out with said cougar, woke up in hospital, still had a friend that had a worse night than me.