Oh my god, the shame.

I was in 3rd grade.

It was Circle time. All kids gathered ‘round on the carpet, teacher in the rocking chair. Just the soft sound of her quietly reading.

I get the urge. It’s uncomfortable. I decide, I can make it a sneaky one and try to go for the slow release.

Mistake. Was not a slow release. Was a combination of a thunder clap and a frightened mouse running for cover.

28 children erupt in mocking laughter.

28 heads swivel around to the source of the crime, and I, already at natural criminal, raise my arm in pointed defiance at the child in front of me. It was him! Him! He did it!

Shocked betrayal comes over his face, he denies the allegations, the teacher seeks to regain control. I’ve retained this memory in vivid detail for damn near 30 years. Wouldn’t be shocked if I remember it on my death bed.

Never trust the sneaky fart.