I had a similar experience. Though, it was only a temporary stint at one of my lowest points in life; which really emphasises how redpill/manosphere ideology is able to circulate so well, despite how nonsensical it is.

At 19, it felt like I was running out of time to find a man that I could marry and start a family with. And that, any efforts would fall short because I wasn’t worthy of it (for all the various reasons redpill ideology devalues women). And even better, that I wasn’t worth genuine love.

My belief system was always grounded in progressiveness. Since as young as I remember, I emphasised my independence and how I didn’t need a man to “take care of me”. I never was one of those little girls who dreamed about her wedding or future family. So it was crazy how all of a sudden I was valuing my life’s purpose around exactly the opposite, around providing for men.

Now, whilst I never went as far to act out on this and be involved in redpill communities/content. It fed my exisiting insecurities, and perhaps the worst convinced me that the verbal abuse my mother had given me was partially true. It made my depression worst. I think for many others, this is the exact reason why they get consumed by it. It is not uplifting and healthy in any way.

Anyways, having said outlooks on life was the very thing that was able to pull me out of it. I felt insane that I was thinking in such a way that juxtaposed my core beliefs. I also give credit to online creators who actively dismantle redpill/manosphere beliefs. And, therapy for all my trauma.

I am now married to somebody who makes me feel so worthy of love and of life, and who respects me. I couldn’t be happier. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for being able to overcome what redpill convinced you to be truths.

Also, if you’re into reading Bell Hooks’ All About Love and The Will to Change are fantastic reads.