3. [RF] I am all that remains of the man I once was

[RF] I am all that remains of the man I once was

I grew up angry; angry all the time at everything. Everywhere I looked I saw malice and bigotry and bullying. I didn't realize it was a reaction. I didn't realize whose son I was, or that I was a victim. I didn't know it wasn't normal to be called "Asshole" by your father, or kicked around. I thought that was just... life. My father's only contribution to my education was to beat me up until I learned to fight, and fight well. And I did. You know that kid, I'm sure. Fighting all the time. Always in trouble. Always skipping school to go do drugs and drink. And a bully. A violent, angry bully just like dear. old. dad. I came to see that it was always going to be there, always going to be waiting to choke slam reason and take control, because that was what would make me safe.

Honestly, I was surprised no one else saw things the way I did. I don't remember when I saw it clearly, but I was a teenager. I think I had stood up for someone being bullied for the first time, instead of it being the other way around. Then I got it. I knew all the sudden what "good" really was. When I realized what had been done to me, and more, what I had already started making myself, I swore I'd never be that. Would never be that. Promised myself I'd find a way to be... better than him. But, still I was measuring by his standard and not even seeing it. Classic. I missed the point again.

I learned to meditate. Learned that discipline is non-violent and that self-respect doesn't require pride. But my temper never went away. I'd find myself drinking more to keep my mouth shut; to keep my mind still. Drinking to make the memories and shame sting just a little less. I found friends who didn't mind that I lost my temper every now and then as long as I didn't hurt anybody or break anything. For me, that was the only rule: 'Don't hurt anybody'.

Eventually, the meditation really started to help. I went years without a fight. Years with no conflict. I started working with people to fix their problems, improve their lives and do real good in the world. I felt like I had to, to make up for what I'd been. A golden age. I started to feel good about myself. To like myself, for the first time in years.

And then one day, I lose my temper over nothing and I see fear, real fear on the faces around me. I'm pierced with the shame. It dawns on me that my friends aren't coming around, not because I'm boring, but because I'm frightening them. I realize that everyone can see the caged wolf way back in my eyes. Still hungry, still angry. I used to think that I could erase the past, start fresh and live free of the monster in my head. Now I see. I am the monster.

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