Posting on an alt because I dont want people I know knowing this.

I believe I may have some kind of multiple personality disorder or something similar, I am very aware of it most of the time. When ever I'm alone or listen to a certain type of music I instantly start thinking about thing that people would consider "fucked up", such as killing people etc. I often think about what it would be like if I killed my family (thing stopping me are not wanting to go to jail, no one to help me when they are gone etc) or if my family happened to die. Most people tell me I'm a really nice person, very helpful etc, I just cant say no to helping when I'm in this "nice" state (although I'm still aware the other one exists I never really would be thinking about it). I also seem unfazed by gore or bad situations, I dont feel scared or happy or anything, its just neutral almost like its common for me. When in this "fucked up" state its almost like a high, I love feeling like that it will only really go away if I'm aware someone is there but can keep going (I try to hide it). Sometimes (this doesnt happen often from what I know) I will end up facing a wall or just facing something odly, when I come through its almost like waking up from a vivid dream, very sudden and I normally gasp and jerk a bit like when you wake up from a falling dream and often not understand how I ended up like this, although it feels like Ive just been staring at something for ages.

Then again I could just be imagining everything and theres actually nothing wrong at all. Also to the other question, I don't believe everyone has a disorder although they may have their problems which may make them not seem "normal". When I think of disorder I think of of something that's constant/extreme.