I had a very good friend. I wasn't friends with him for long, but it meant a lot that he was my friend. I'm not the center of the group. I have lots of friends, but I don't contact them, really. Someone else does and then that person also contacts me and then our whole group ends up going out together. This was before group texts and smart phones so we'd have one person to organize social outings and make sure everyone got the invites.
But Terry was my friend. He'd talk to me and stop by to visit. He had some insomnia and depression problems. On more than one occasion he had shown up at my apartment out of the blue to hang out and fell asleep mid sentence after hanging out for a couple hours. He took ambien and it made him sleep drive and sleep talk to people. It was freaky and funny, though scary because he would drive places without realizing it. So he got his medication switched to Ativan and that seemed to help.
One night he and I and two other friends were hanging out at a bar. My boyfriend and I were leaving in a month to move across the country and I kept telling Terry he had to come to our going away party. He seemed excited. It was going to be fun.
I left the bar early that night and Terry seemed a little "off". Like something was wrong, but not too wrong. He just seemed a little distant. So I invited him over to watch a movie until our other friends (one of them being my boyfriend) were done and came over. He politely declined and said he was tired, but that he'd see us soon and to let him know when our going away party would be.
He died in his sleep that night. He took too many Ativan and had drank a couple beers so perhaps the combination was what killed him. It was ruled an accident, but I always assumed it was actually suicide. He hadn't had very much to drink and was only drinking water for the last hour at the bar. He took way too any pills to just fall asleep. But it helped most simple to think of it as an accident and he didn't leave a note so either people really believed it was an accident or we all decided to let those who believed that keep believing it. To protect them. It makes you angry when your friend kills himself. I was pissed for weeks. The anger part of the stages of grief lasted the longest. I was mad he didn't leave a note. I was mad he promised to come to our party but died before it happened. I was made he made it so I was the last person who saw him alive - it was added guilt because out of everyone I should've been able to help him. I was there that night and knew something was wrong but didn't push him to find out what.
A few years later a coworker of mine quit work out of the blue and went home. She texted me saying sorry for the abrupt exit. It seemed weird so I told her I'd come hang out after 5 and we could bitch about her ex-boss.
I still felt weird so I left work early instead. When I got to her home around 2 that afternoon she didn't answer the door. So I barged in (unlocked thankfully) and she was unconscious on her couch, having taken all the pills in her medicine cabinet. I put her in the recovery position and called 911. She was in a coma for 20 hours, but ended up being fine. I was super angry with her, too. She meant for me to find her after 5, when she'd have been dead. It was so rude. And when I visited her in the hospital she said she wished I'd let her die. Plus I had to call her dad to tell him, though I didn't know the man. And she had a puppy I had to take care of even though my boyfriend is allergic.
If I had it to do all over again I'd do the same thing of course (or show up earlier, duh), and I know she's grateful now that she is stable. But it brought back all the anger I felt over Terry and this time I had a living person to blame. So I did, though I'm not proud of that. I saw her through the hospital and the first few outpatient weeks, but I stopped talking to her after that. I track her on Facebook and she seems ok, but I want to keep her at arms length from now on. It's not a noble way to feel, but I guess in my heart I'm selfish. I don't want a friendship that's all give and no take. I know in my brain that she is imbalanced and physically can't "give" because she has nothing inside she can give (to keep up the kind of bad metaphor). But it still makes me feel unappreciated so I'm glad she moved back into her parents' house so I don't have to be responsible for her.
Anyway, this ended up going off topic kind of. And it got very long. Thank you for reading. The TL;DR is that when my friend killed himself I got mad and have never really let go of that anger.