3. [Serious] Redditors who want to talk about their problems, what's your problem?

[Serious] Redditors who want to talk about their problems, what's your problem?

I'm not sure if it happens to others, but I feel like I'm starting to finally come face to face with my true self. I've been in therapy for the past five years and over that time the facade I put up has slowly come down and I finally let my therapist into my brain. Over the past month she has gotten me to think about who I really am, not who I am to others, but who I actually know I am. I'm slowly realizing that my personality disorders may be far worse than I ever could have thought. I'm diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder, but my therapist recently suggest I could actually have a combination of BPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy), in addition to my DID. Hearing words to descibe you like that has a real effect on your self-esteem. It makes me feel completely damaged. Adding to it, because of it I'm what people call a social chameleon. Common for people with such disorders. My therapy has gotten me to realize that most of what people know about me is either slightly untrue or completely a lie. Furthermore I'm realizing how I inadvertently manipulate and take advantage of literally everyone I know and everyone I've known since I was a young teen. It's making me feel like I need to distance myself from everyone and everything, for the sake of others. I don't want to risk hurting any more people.

Adding to all of this, I'm dealing with the typical young adult problems. I graduated from undergrad last spring and I've only managed three in person interviews in my field. My graduate school program is not only boring, but I'm learning the hard way how terrible academic politics can be. I've got a ton of credit card debt from my medical bills that I simply cannot pay off. I can't get on disability, even for a short time. My family isn't supportive at all and they think I'm not worth the trouble. I'm also struggling a lot at figuring out what makes me happy. It's not depression or anything, I feel so incapable of feeling true emotion to anything. The only emotions I can feel is rejection and sadness (for others).

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