i love my wife more than anything, and i hate that my inability to control my temper (once every 1-2 years I have an episode, been diagnosed as bipolar and manic and everything else under the sun, ultimately when I get beyond angry I just go crazy, cant control myself it's like i black out and say stupid shit, do stupid shit, break shit... never hit her though i've never hit my wife ever). I'm so sorry I took so personally your wanting to stop holding my hand because of a stupid comment i made watching some australian comedian, that in turn made me go rage angry and after calling the most beautiful woman in the world horrible things, ripped the king size mattress out from under her so she could sleep on the box springs and i could take the mattress downstairs to sleep. i understand your calling the cops to remove me from the house, i did it to myself. i fucked up. now she's questioning our marriage of 7+ years, living together 10+. I know I ruined it, I've already set up 2 different counselors, 1 for myself 1 for us both ... but i feel like it's too late. i screwed up so monumentally, i just wish i could take it back. but i can't. and i have to live with the fact that i may have just ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me, and scared away a woman who stayed by my side and helped me through so many horrible addictions, issues, etc. that have built up over the years. somewhat stemming from my trust issues because my dad hanged himself and left me ... he was my best friend (but that's an excuse and i know a buncha folk will jump on the 'quit the pity part' bandwagon... but you asked). why did i do what i did, why can't i be normal and control my anger. i'm honestly the guy that seems high at all times cause i'm just mellow and easy going. ever so often though i still have this spark that if fed turns into a raging fire and i hate myself for it. i love you wife, i hope a therapist can help me (this time, seeing shrinks since i was 12... 32 now) to fix myself. i recognize my problems, i just don't know how to fix them. the blackout thing happened after my dad took his life, i went bat shit crazy over nothing my mom yelled at me about something stupid and i took a steak knife to my wrist. i guess all this rambling really just is me trying to say i am so, so sorry, and i understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. i just dont know how i can live without the woman that knows me better than myself, and has helped me so fucking much she deserves the world, and all i can give her is a couple nice pieces of clothes and some cute panties for christmas. of course that was for me more than her because i love seeing her in cute undies (who doesn't want to see beautiful women in undies).. f now i'm just completely rambling. i want to admit that i know i am the screw up, i admit that i know i have something mentally wrong with me that 2 in patient clinics for about a month altogether, daily medications and a boat load of therapists still can't help me. but i want help. i want to change. i just don't know how, and therapists just think to throw drugs at me and see if they'll fix me. 6mg of clonapin, lamictal, effexor and wellbutrin and literally every other f'ing drug they have. currently just take the clonapin daily, have been for about 13 years now... nothing helps my head. when i get angry i can't control myself and it's so scary like i said, i understand her wanting to leave me. i understand she was so scared of me that night she had to call the police. i didn't get mad at that, it actually calmed me down some when they showed up because i knew she would be okay. i wish they would've acted more harshly and just shot me, so she can be rid of me.