My dad was a big fan of Ayn Rand and objectivism. He took it really far, saying that women shouldn't be allowed to vote because they were too emotional and irrational. He'd lecture me on it when I was in elementary school.

I grew up believing I was inherently inferior because of my gender. I still have a hard time identifying with other women because of it. I haven't quite been able to let those beliefs go. I still can't make friends with women.

He also let some of his friends hug and touch me in inappropriate ways. My half sister went through much worse pedophile-related shit because of her step-dad, but our father wouldn't do anything about it.

I guess he felt like he couldn't. I can kind of understand that. But if it were me I'd like to think I'd be beat my half-sister's step-dad's head in with a bat if I were in my father's shoes. The only thing she can do now is prevent her stepfather from attending family functions. That's not even close to the punishment he deserves.

So, I have some misplaced anger towards my father in some ways. I shouldn't expect him to be a vigilante. But he raised me to believe I was inferior to men in almost every way, and I guess that sort of compounds it, if that makes sense.

But, for both of us, it feels like he just let it happen. Like, because we were girls, it didn't really matter all that much.

There was a lot going on, though. He was good in some ways. I still love my dad but I don't feel very forgiving. He abandoned my sister, and made me believe I had nothing to live for but having kids, and he used biology to argue it rather than religion.

It's hard to pretend biology doesn't affect our choices. This thought process leads to a lot of internal conflict. I can accept my physical inferiority easily. Accepting mental inferiority has been much more difficult for me over the years. I've doubted myself so much.