Hey dude,

So it's 3am where I am, and some of this might be a rambling mess, but I really just wanted to get this out there, cos I can totally relate to where you're coming from, actually sounds a lot like where I was at mentally/emotionally a bit over a year ago.

Basically I knew something was "wrong" with me, had been in therapy for two years (working on things like anxiety, depression, avoidance), then I stumbled upon schizoid pd online and felt like everything clicked. The 'secret schizoid', faking my way through the day superficially but actually being really withdrawn, appearing cold/indifferent, blunt affect, indifference to praise/criticism, limited interest in sex, overt and covert personalities, living in fantasy worlds and day dreams, etc. I thought, for sure I'm schizoid. Looking back, it's weird that it took 2 years of therapy without seemingly making any progress, but it was because I was withdrawn and 'faking' my way through sessions.

So in my next session with my psychologist I told her, we read the DSM criteria together and she accepted my self-diagnosis but also suggested that I display strong avoidant traits too. In my further readings of schizoid, the one major area that I didn't identify with was wanting/prefering to be alone, and being happy that way. For me it was much more like I had crippling loneliness, but at the same time I was just literally incapable of revealing my true self or being vulnerable with people.

In my readings on spd, and also I've seen on this subreddit, it seems there is a divergence on the issue of whether schizoids prefer to be alone and are just genuinely happier with solitude, or whether they crave connection but for whatever reason (fear), they are unable to. Some identify as the former, some the latter.

Anyway, about a year passed, and I still consistently went to therapy once a month, practiced mindfulness, learned a lot of theory about what it means to be a 'normal' person and how to make meaningful connections with people, and continued to develop greater Insight into myself (further unraveling unconscious though processes). Over time, the traits started dropping away. No longer have overt/covert personalities, no longer cold and detached, fake my way through public life to a far lesser degree than previously, a lot less fantasizing etc. About a month ago (a year after self-diagnosing as schizoid), I told my therapist that actually I don't identify as schizoid anymore, I think I've just got an Avoidant personality (AvPD). (the few remaining traits from being schizoid - being 'fake' in some social situations, and fantasizing - have been greatly reduced, and are consistent with AvPD.)

Now I'm at the stage where I do have meaningful connections with a few people (sibling and close friends), have hobbies that I enjoy, etc., my happiness and quality of life has improved greatly. Although I am still affected by being heavily avoidant, I keep making solid progress and am confident that I'll keep on improving, given time.

The self-loathing/hatred is where I believe most of my other personality/mental problems stem from, particularity SPD and my subsequent inability to form intimate relationships.

What I've learned is the most important aspect of making progress with mental health is self-love. That means being encouraging, compassionate and forgiving with yourself. So if not the cause of your mental problems, self-hatred and negativity certainly reinforces them, and blocks any path to healing.

I can't help but feel disdain for myself for posting this. In some fucked up kind of way I feel guilty and bad and pathetic for thinking I even have something like SPD and that I am turning to an internet community for help, no offense meant to anyone here.

This is 'shame', the most destructive emotion. I felt this too. I was ashamed, I felt pathetic, a failure of a human being. I even had shameful memories of situations that I felt humiliated that I suppressed/blocked out.

The two greatest thing my psychologist did for me was, 1) provide a validating environment where she would listen and accept without judgement whatever I had to say (I was faced with a lot of invalidation, and despite not seeming to make much progress over 2 years, I kept going back because it was the one place that was validating); and 2) teaching me positive self-talk and removing shame.