Crazy. Sorta the same story but just once and with meds. I actually did the deed and then smoked some pot because why not. Right after smoking I got this tidal wave of panic and tried everything to throw up, but I lost me gag reflex.
The tidal wave turned, sitting on the bathroom floor, with me accepting my situation. This weird calming feeling swept over me, like almost how it felt when you were a little kid laying in bed next to your parent at bedtime and you had no worries in the world. True feeling is peace.
I got off the floor, crawled into bed, closed me eyes, thinking thoughts while realizing they were probably my last. The meds really kicking in and I dozed off.
The next day I woke up. I haven’t been the same since. I would say very few things get to me now. Still depressed because of an auto-immune things I’ve been battling my entire life. But I faced death and won. You too. We’re sorta like immortals.