I feel like I should have a problem with my suicide plans, but I really don't. There are times when I'm actively hurt by something and I looking forward to it - those times make sense. I'm in pain and want it to stop, that's a normal human reaction. But the rest of the time I'm just quietly okay with the whole thing. Everything everyone says tells me that I should have some sort of strong emotion about it. Whether that emotion is wanting death or being afraid of it varies by person and circumstance, but everyone feels something about it one way or the other. I don't. It's a decision I've made and I'm doing what needs to be done to get there, just like any other.

I promised myself that for my friend's sake I'd try to improve my life and see if it becomes worth sticking around for. I've made a lot of changes over the last year and I've got plans for a lot more. I feel like this lack of feeling about it is something I should work on, something that should be part of my list of things to try. I feel like I owe it to him to at least try, before I take his friend away from him. But I don't know how to do anything about this one. I don't know how to create emotion where there isn't any. It bothers me, but I can't say anything to anyone because as soon as you say the big scary S word, everyone flips out. They start thinking you're going to jump off a bridge in the next 10 minutes or cut your wrists every time you're left alone for an hour, and I have no desire whatsoever to deal with that kind of idiocy.