I humbly ask that you allow me to share my story with you. I too have made a plan to end my suffering. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by a parent when I was a kid. I was traumatized, victimized and kicked to the curb as a worthless entity of no value to anyone or anything. I watched someone close to me die instantly in a horrible bloody accident that I blamed myself for. There were other experiences as well that led me to the dark empty hell of constant mental agony.
I was completely broken. No friends, no family - nothing. Something happened one day I can't quite explain. I had a glimmer of hope one morning and decided I would try one more time to get better. I began a journey to find something, anything to stay alive one more day. This went on for months. In time I made discoveries about myself that had been unknown to me in the past. Little by little things improved. I came to realize that horrible things that had happened to me in the past, were what was keeping me in a prison of hate, mistrust and hopelessness. I was living in the past as if we're happening in the present. I still struggle with this at times. I discovered it was up to me and only me if I were ever to be happy. I had to find away to forgive. I had to convince myself that I was no longer a victim. I had to stop blaming the past for my condition in the present. I discovered I was my own enemy and it was I, that was in the way of myself. I had to learn to face the world on the worlds terms and not mine. In the past four years I have experienced great joy, happiness and peace. The world still baffles me most of the time, but I've accepted my place in it and stopped fighting. This is just my experience. It has been difficult at times and a struggle. For me, it has been well worth it and has paid off on droves. This is something I work on everyday. This is something I will most likely have to work on every day. I'm asking you to put off that the final detail of getting your affairs in order. Don't complete that final task just yet. Put it off as long as you can. Tomorrow morning maybe the morning when that shred of hope arrives.