To the sociopaths in this sub

My mother was Schizophrenic, I sat with her during her episodes (father split up, lived away, still love him). Whether the episodes were hostile or benign - they were all unusual, and quite disconcerting for young me.

I understand empathy more than most as I had to practice it with her to calm her down. Part of my growing up was to be a medium between an alien version of my mother /sarc. Calming her and being an ear for her strange thoughts and ideas. Most of these are now suppressed memories as I have little recollection of them beyond their existence.

I became a very calm, understanding person as a result, much like my father.

My "sob story" is that I was home educated by my mother during this. I had zero friends as I abandoned them. I gained confidence through volunteering (sister pestered me into it), and I got a new family through my sister's GF after she came out. My sense of perspective on life is skewed here; a walk to the shop is like going to the moon etc...

I went with my sister a few times to visit her GF's family (now my extended family who I care for). These were all interesting visits, I met new people, lost my virginity to a french girl on the beach etc...

One of these times I came back, all alone, and found my mothers body. I'd spoken to her four days ago, she died on the 13th May 2012. I found her on the 15th. I recall the smell of decay vividly.

I break myself/shatter or what have you. I have to phone sister and tell her mum is dead. She screams/cries hysterically, her GF is on phone and asks if I'm lying (I lied a fair amount) I say no, she's upset too.

Nineteen now, I know empathy but cannot practice it - I did not get to develop emotionally in my formative years.

My sister's cat (that I cared for) was run over a few months back. I was over to her house in a flash, comforted her and her GF etc because they're family. I learned the smell of decay is almost the same for cats/humans. That's what made me upset, that link.

All of my strong emotions are linked to this one grandstanding event, all of my self is curled up in a man-child acting like an adult who can't pull emotions from anywhere so wings it, and when he stops acting he regresses into a pathetic boy.

I cannot connect with others, my attachments to friends wither and I have to throw myself at things so that I can function at all, using the cheat of "prior commitments", rather than because of internal motivation.

This is my life now as I can explain it. When I'm inactive my sense of perspective fucks up, I get panic attacks opening facebook, imagining my peers getting further and further ahead than me. Everything is a competition I don't care for but still skews my mind.

All of my perspective on life is tied to morals I've set up to make sure I don't fuck up. If I ever have to practice them it'll end up with me doing very bad things that'll shock everyone who knows me as a really chill dude. I'm fucked if someone tried to forcibly hurt anyone I perceive as mine, it happened once and ruined me.

I also inherited Schizophrenia, which is exacerbated by stress. Something to look forward to, I guess.

Anyway; Ask Me Anything if you want to find out more for whatever reason, job searching is a bitch right now.

/r/sociopath Thread