See, this is why people don't need to get to know the views of Conservatives before criticizing them.

Yes, I'm going with the party that actively fights gay marriage (even though in my opinion, it contradicts the "small government" plea that it always makes)

Yup. It's, completely contradictory and hypocritical. So it automatically qualifies for those criticisms when you support that party, regardless of your personal stances. You also admit that equal human rights is not an "issue" you care about most, which is the same stance that racists took when they supported anti civil rights legislation.

Yes, I'm going with the party that, according to you, is going against a court ruling (provide the case, and I'll look it up).

It's called Roe v. Wade and this is another reason why once you label yourself as a conservative or a Republican, others don't really need to wait before levying criticism. Not only is this another example of hypocrisy that counters the "limited government" argument, but you readily admit your ignorance to the court rulings. So criticisms of hypocrisy and ignorance are justified. The exception to ignorance would be the criticism I made earlier, which is utter disregard to previous court rulings which is effectively the law of the nation.

And don't you dare say I'm just parroting what my parents say, because that pisses me the fuck off and I'm sick of hearing it.

I'm not going to make that criticism because I don't know what your parents think and it's not relevant to our discussion. You are more than capable of being responsible for your own hypocrisy and ignorance. You say equal rights and abortion issues aren't important to you, yet they're the only two you directly referenced when explaining your views. So, again, here we are and you still haven't explained your views. Thus far, you've only explained what was "none of your business" and what you don't have a belief in and then claimed that both of those issues aren't ones that you care about most. This is also typical behavior exhibited by conservatives which is not being able to logically support their positions and talk in circles without actually addressing the issue.