I had had a very stressful and tiring day. I had been overwhelmed for weeks. And it was hot. Those are the only factors I can think of.

It was shockingly depersonalized. I was very much aware of my surroundings in a sort of detached way, and I was aware of my actions but I couldn't really feel myself thinking or my intentions.

I noticed I was the only person on the subway car and that the others were on the far side engaged in their own conversation. I noticed the train was going very slowly. I also noticed we were going over the Bloor viaduct and this absolutely captivated me. I slid over my in my seat to the window and stared out and over into the valley seemingly hundreds, thousands of feet below. I do remember an emotion at this point of absolute exhillaration at how vast it all was.

I watched myself stand up. I walked over to the door. I watched myself smash the plastic panel protecting the door release. I pulled it. I started to slide the door open when I realized that we were past the river and woods and were now almost over the Don Valley Parkway. Falling on the highway seemed... impolite? I hesitated. At this point I sort of realized quite concretely that I was in the final stages of a very real series of actions culminating in suicide. The exhilaration and the detachment faded and a sort of painful numbness set in. The train came to a stop. I stood there for a long time. I sat back down.

A TTC employee came into the car from the end. I told him the door had been rattling the whole trip but had sprung open over the viaduct. He asked me if I saw someone break the cover over the emergency release. I said no. I think he believed me. He sealed the door. The train carried on. I got off at Castle Frank, exited the station. The numbness sort of broke at this point and I collapsed.