Yup, well I've had plenty of years to stew over this and I explained so well a bot told me not to kill myself! Woohoo! but you're definitely not alone. I wish I could help more but we have to take it day by day. I know I'm gonna contradict myself here but it's easy to focus on outer appearances but who cares? We're all weird looking water bags of meat. Nose, eyes, ears, mouth, skin, hands, feet. There can be beatify found everywhere. Maybe you have flawless lungs or a killer vascular system. We are all weird biproducts of our environment. Our perspective is just very flawed and distorted. We have to remember that.

I'd suggest talking to a professional if you can. There IS a way to overcome this I think. I won't pretend to know everything but have looked into it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can rewire your brain to think differently and not feel such negativity and maybe also be coupled with medication if needed. I just have the wonderful ability to outsmart myself and defy all logic with my negative thoughts. And often being illogical is a root cause. Sorry I'm rambling again.