I can relate to your childhood. The spanking excessively and the slapping as a teen. My N felt that fear equalled respect and we owed him respect for giving us life. He also used the "I gave u>I was hit by a lot of forgotten memories after reading a post about spanking today. Just felt like sharing them.

My parents were very much believers in the "spare the rod, spoil the child" philosophy. Unfortunately, my dad (the more reasonable of the two) was working a lot and my mom never worked, so she was often the one who punished us. Her favorite things were wooden spoons, and I've had many broken on me. Her general strategy was to have us lean over something and count while she hit. If we tried to look back at her, avoid leaning over, flinch or ask her to stop, she would add counts. We had to be in total submission for her to stop. She's hit me in the face on the arms and back as well over the years. When I got old enough for spanking to not be a real option (early teens?), she started the face-slapping and hair pulling, among other things.

I have a memory of being punished for asking what the word "bastard" meant after hearing it in a movie. As she hit me, I tried to reason with her that I didn't understand and just wanted to know what it meant. I lost count after 20. I was probably 9-10.

I remember being very young (5-6?), about to be punished, and trying to apologize for something by saying I was sorry, that I loved her, and that I just wanted to hold her. A few years back, my mom brought it up in conversation and said "you know what you used to say to avoid punishment? in a whiney voice I just want to hold you!" Then she laughed.

Rough memories. I'm terrified of having my own children. Partly because I have no idea what proper or effective, healthy punishment even is. Also in part because I know having my own child would trigger so many unpleasant memories. I wouldn't want them to have to deal with that.

p my life for you" quote a lot. I also will never have kids and decided this at an early age. Are you still in contact? Have you gone to any therapy? If you go to therapy it may help you work through the issues. Do you definitely not want kids? Do you want them but fear your triggers and p ossible fleas? I wish these memories didn't cause pain. I am so sorry.