I've been having a pretty rough time lately. Aside from the general state of the world, I've had some significant stressors these past few months, and past few weeks and days especially.

Back in March, right when I was graduating from college, I had a really ugly falling out with most of my main friend group there. Since then, far more of my time than I'd like has been consumed by the memory of it. I made mistakes in the process and said some things that really hurt them, and I do feel really bad about that. But I'm also incredibly angry and hurt because they all said and did some horrible things to me, as well, and whereas I have at least apologized (repeatedly) for my role in it, they seem to barely even realize there was anything wrong with how they acted, much less feel any remorse. And as time goes on, it's seeming increasingly likely that I'm never gonna get an apology, or really any sort of closure, and I'm having a very hard time moving on.

Also, again, they were my main friend group, so having lost them, I'm getting increasingly lonely. The pandemic is certainly not helping there. I'm pretty introverted, but at this point, even I'm starting to feel claustrophobic. Being back with family is great, but I do miss being around people who share my nerdy interests and who I can relate to in some ways I rarely can with family.

So there's that going on, but then over the past few weeks some completely unrelated things have come up. My dog is getting pretty old, and it's showing more and more. She's had arthritis for a while now, but for the last three weeks especially, she's really suddenly started having a lot of trouble even just standing up and staying on her feet. Last week, she had some particularly bad days, so we took her to the vet. The night prior to the visit, I was honestly expecting to hear that she just wasn't gonna get better, and that they would recommend euthanizing her right then and there. Suffice to say, there was a lot of crying. Thankfully, the vet actually said that she was pretty healthy aside from her difficulty walking, and she recommended some changes to the medicine we give that should help her somewhat. We've made the changes, and she does seem to be getting somewhat better, but it's hard to say yet for sure. Point is, it's been really stressful, and it's probably not over yet.

All this and more has done no favors to my already shaky mental health state. I've spent a lot of the last week coming in and out of what I'm pretty sure are depressive episodes, these periods where all my usual insecurities and fears are highlighted and amplified in my mind, and it feels almost impossible to shake them off and all I wanna do is lie down and wait for it to pass. It's been a while, but I have had experiences like that before.

However, there's hopefully a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been seeing a therapist since about the beginning of the year, and she recently recommended -when I described those episodes to her- that I consider antidepressants. There is a history of depression in my family, and apparently my dad and older sister have both been helped by taking them. I've thought about trying them before, but I often doubted if I really have depression or just standard insecurities, and thought that either way I ought to be able to overcome whatever it is on my own. But hearing someone else suggest it, and learning that some people who are genetically similar to me have gotten good results, it feels like a legitimate option now.

So earlier today, I messaged my doctor about getting a prescription. The process may take a while, but I've made the first steps. I'm still kinda fearful about it... but I'm also kind of hopeful.