They're their own worse enemy.
Right. And they get glimpses that this is the case, but can't do anything about it.
It's a Catch-22.
Right.
They know no different, because they are not self-aware.
They just know something is wrong.
It all comes down to insecurity.
And drama. I am half-way convinced they start drama, say they hate drama just so either: 1) They can be your person that stops the drama fires or 2) they can have you constantly put out their drama fires.
I had a friend who told me she was BPD, then took it back, then lied about therapy, then stalked the living shit out of me who lived with me very briefly. I still don't know what to make of that situation because she pointed the finger at me on the way out the door, calling me a "drama maker" and then left this massive earthquake of drama that I am relatively convinced she is oblivious to. One of the things that she did when she left was to take one of my work bags, which had in it, amongst other things she should not have taken, a loaded fire-arm. She admitted she had it, agreed to return it, then went off into drama central. I don't know if she is actually BPD or just making everything up and she's still stalking (according to lawyers and investigators, even though I haven't seen her) and today was the day to decide if she was to be charged with the firearm theft. (It was reported when it happened, but I delayed it with every connection I had until it could not be delayed anymore.)
Apparently, she crossed state lines with it and that made it into this whole other thing. I hate it for her...but she should have taken some sort of understanding in what she was doing and some follow through on her actions. I sort of hope she actually has BPD at this point because if she doesn't, there's some really stiff penalties in front of her. Maybe that will mitigate it for her and she can finally get some sort of wake up call. Even then...I don't think she will ever actually understand any of what she is doing.
Ex-wife...different story. She knows exactly what she is doing and makes very careful plans to get away with it or have the blame fall elsewhere. Doesn't make it any less sad to think about someone having to live like that.