Unfortunately I was hospitalized last year, I thought I heard my friends family conspiring to tie me up and throw me in a lake (turns out they were talking about that show 'how to get away with murder lol) and I freaked out so hard I thought I tore my esophagus or something, and went to the hospital. I told them they probably shouldn't give me morphine, surprise surprise they loaded me up and my mother says I was rambling about conspiracies and moaning, I had the worst pain in my gullet and was hyperventilating so they basically knocked me out, I woke up, felt fine and went home.
I'm not sure why, but I quit smoking cigarettes after that, I also had this whole near death trip laying there (I've dabbled in psychonautics) so it was pretty profound for me and I ended up feeling cheated of death.
It didn't take long to recover to be honest, a month or so and I was alright. But later that year I moved from the middle of nowhere (where i'd lived for the last 10 years) to the second largest city in my province. I was extremely worried how this would affect my state of mind. Things were actually going smoothly , I was looking for a job, I was hiking and going to parties with friends, all was well and jolly until one night I was at my friends party and I was chatting with the only 2 girls in the w hole house (which of course had some raging cock wanting to step on my toes).
Apparently talking to those girls made him want to throw a drink in my face. I felt extremely disrespected and homicidal, however I'm totally passive so my only wo0rds were "someone else might kill you for doing that, but I wont." Which was too much excitement for his little mind to handle and he fucking exploded on me. If my buddies weren't there to hold him off he would have just assaulted me as I would not have fought back. For a few minutes he threatened to kill me and tell me about his gang ties in an attempt to scare me (I was OK to get assaulted, I was kinda hoping he'd kill me and spend the rest of his life in prison.
Anyways his friend who was a chill guy ended up coming up and grabbing him by the heard and asking him what was wrong, so I took the opportunity to slip downstairs. I started punching holes in the wall while I could hear the living trashbag upstairs screaming the words "I'M A CRIP MOTHERFUCKER".
Basically since then everyday I become debilitated with that memory and it makes my adrenaline pump. I so seriously wanted to walk up behind this guy on the street and douse him with some gasoline and set him on fire. I had a whole elaborate plan where I'd do it and then kill myself, luckily I have good comrades who would never let me do such a thing.
I've been inside ever since. The last time I left the hose I thought I was being recorded and had little sensory hallucinations where I'd feel someone running up behind me. I've been put on like 4 different SS/SNRIs and none of them are oding anything but giving me the courage to self harm and abuse drugs, so I quit and now I'm sitting here withdrawing from these meds with brain shocks every 5 seconds.
Anyways if you have any advice or anything I'll try to use it as best as I can.