It's hard to explaining without knowing the both of us, especially her. Generally speaking she's a person who thinks and acts really different from most people, which is something I always knew and was in some way what I liked about her too. But it makes her act in ways that are not beneficial for her and the ones surrounding her. Actually, it makes her NOT to act. When she has a problem she doesn't react to solve it, never. She doesn't do anything and kind of accept it until something changes or the problem explodes. For example, her computer screen has been partially broken for months and she hasn't repaired it. But she uses it for work and it's almost impossible to work like this. And she wants to fix it but she hasn't done anything yet (no real reason for this, she has the money). This is just one example, I could list a huge amount of things like this and with more important things than a computer.

And the same can apply to the relationships she has. I think I have slightly changed my behavior and expectations to be with her and help the relationship go on but she hasn't changed anything or considered the small things she could have done to improve the relationship. The main reason I left her is because nothing was changing and her behavior was affecting me seriously. It has been affecting me for a long time but lately it was worse. Not long ago I had two panic attacks at her place and one on the way to her place. I have NEVER had panic attacks before, sometimes I stress a lot but that's all. We were barely seeing each other lately and when I was with her it felt like being with some kind of presence more than with a person. I've felt really lonely for the last years. I was not comfortable with the present and every time I thought of the future I felt like falling into the void and a terrible sadness because I saw no future.

It has been a really hard decision because despite all the things I'm saying I love her a lot and I want her to be happy. But for the first time in years I feel freed and can think of my future. I'm feeling a crazy mix of emotions right now and I feel like I still have a lot of work to do in my thoughts.