Read most of your replies. The honest answer is you seem to be projecting your own insecurities.

You said you can’t “get hot” for someone you think might “be gay”. But you are somehow okay with them being bi/pan?

You also said you are on a serious journey with understanding/accepting your own pansexuality based on your upbringing.

What I mean by projecting is that you are unhealthily paranoid about others secretly being gay because you yourself are probably not comfortable with your own sexuality. Maybe you need to spend more time coming to terms with and exploring relationships with women/nb.

If you harbor/hide fantasies about women from your partner it will create cognitive dissonance. Your own behavior can turn into a sort of prejudice because you think others could be secretly fantasizing about the same sex.

Your attitude may not be particularly healthy or conducive to a good relationship with any of these men you find effeminate. At least at this stage in your journey.

If you can’t trust someone enough to be honest about their sexuality with you then maybe you shouldn’t have sex with them in the first place.

Maybe just take time to casually date people of both sex and various levels of masculinity and figure yourself out.