She's just laying there, and yet here I am with a million thoughts racing through my head. We both know nothing is right about our relationship, except I'm not so sure she knows it. All the fucked up things she does, and yet somehow she doesn't think they're fucked up. I want to believe she's not a bad person, but it gets harder and harder to convince myself of that. I think she's just lazy. Not in a physical way because she busts her ass at work all day, but in an emotional way if that makes sense. She just kind of takes the easy way out with everything and says whatever she needs to say at the moment to get past that moment. She doesn't want to leave the relationship, but she doesn't want to invest herself in it either. That leaves me feeling like I'm on an island. She's so far away, yet she's lying right next to me. Sometimes she wants to cuddle, but I'm just not feeling it. How can you treat me like this all day every day and then at the end of the day you want to cuddle like everything's ok? I've talked to her time and time again and told her exactly this, but I have to be on the brink of leaving before she starts listening. And even then, once it gets comfortable again, everything stops. Wash, rinse, repeat. I don't think this is a healthy way to live, and I shudder to think that our children see us as an example. But I don't think that either of us know of any other way.

It goes on from there, but usually this is what I'm thinking about while lying in bed trying to sleep. I stopped drinking so I don't have that crutch to help me get to sleep anymore. I don't really miss the drinking, but I do miss being able to pass out at the end of the day.