I don't know how to explain my feelings I've always kept what was inside in a tight bubble that just never comes out. I can't get a girlfriend because I fear rejection and I don't understand love the way its meant to be. When I was younger my dad would verbally and physically abuse me and my brother constantly but, we would never know why. If we couldn't find a certain tool he would begin to call us vulgar names such as "stupid fucks" then he would find the tool and hit us with his hand or the tool. I remember one time my brother was going too slow for my dad to move a wheelbarrow so my dad decided to throw a rubber mallet at him. He would hit me with a wooden drumstick across my back leaving marks. The worst thing is when he would always hit us in our pressure points that gave enormous pain but, left no marks. He would always say love you later on that night and I don't mean to hurt you. He abused my mom multiple occasions I remember he busted my moms face open and threw her phone so she couldn't call the cops. I watched my dad put a pillow over my mom's face till she couldn't breathe and she urinated on herself. He would always say no when I asked him to do things with me and said that his dad used to abuse him. From this past, it's difficult for me to understand my feelings I just have an emptiness inside me. I'm scared to get a love life or even try because I don't want to be like my father one day and hit my kids because it's what my dad did. I always flinch at slightest movements and I always say sorry repeatedly over things that don't really need an I'm sorry but, its stuck in my head. I thought about going to see a therapist but, when I look through these makes my problems feel minuscule. I just want to succeed in life and be happy but, ever since those days I can't ever feel happy I just occasionally get glimpses of that feeling and its gone so soon.