I saw this post and immediately switched to my throwaway account to get this shit off my chest. There’s only two people on the planet that know this about me and neither of them come close to understanding the full extent of my past.
When I was younger I was an awful human being. If you met me at that time in my life, you would have no idea. I was well put together, respectable, friendly and kind.
But I had a dark side, and oh my fuck was it dark. I still (over 12 years later) am plagued by guilt and nightmares over the things I’ve done. I’ve tried rectifying the mistakes I’ve made - and done a good job at it - but it doesn’t take away the pain and guilt that still plagues me to this day. It’s effected my social life drastically but I thank God that it’s never effected my career.
In short, I was cruel and heartless. I basically built a loyal army through blood contracts, with contract termination resulting in the death of family members (which I also thank God for never having that issue arise). This might give a decent understanding at what kind of bullshit I had gotten myself into.
I’ve done things that I refuse to say out loud, regardless of it being anonymous. I’m fucking ashamed of the person I used to be and every day of my life I put effort into being the best possible human I’m capable of in some vain attempt at redeeming myself.
I’ve grown, accepted my mistakes, asked forgiveness from those I’ve hurt. But it doesn’t fix the things I’ve done.
The worst part is that it still surfaces. Most particularly in public, specifically at bars - because of my past I pay close attention to everything happening around me. I’ll overhear a man at the bar talking down to his significant other, calling them a stupid bitch or some other abusive bullshit. My immediate reaction is to break my beer bottle over the bar and stick it into their throat. Or overhearing teenagers laugh at someone in a wheelchair, I instantly want to break their knee caps so they understand what it feels like to be crippled.
It’s something I suppress daily.
One of the two people I’ve previously mentioned that have this same surface level understanding have told me to get therapy, which I agree would help. But I refuse to for some reason. I guess I feel like I deserve to live with the guilt of the pain I’ve caused others.
Thank you OP for giving me a chance to get this shit off my chest.