Mostly I just feel empty. Everything feels pointless. I can't focus on anything important, like my studies. I feel incapable of getting a job. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I LITERALLY have no passions or aspirations, and there's barely anything I'm good at. In the past I wanted to be a doctor, or an astronaut. Once I graduated year 12 I beat myself up for picking shitty subjects because I wanted study astrophysics, but unfortunately with my grades and subjects I couldn't so I opted for a video game programming and development course at a different university. My hobbies of drawing, playing video games and playing guitar feel like a chore. I spend my days where I'm not in class in my room distracting myself with the wonderful world of YouTube. It makes me feel so pathetic because there are bigger problems in the world but I just cannot find a reason to LIVE and feel happy. It makes me feel so alone. I can't sleep at night and when I do, regardless of how many hours I get I'm so exhausted every day and can hardly concentrate on anything. Music used to be a huge part in making me feel better as it would just drown out all the negative thoughts but now it barely does anything. I often even wonder how people are even capable of coping with their lives and daily stresses because more often than not I am just incapable. Anxiety was basically born shortly after feeling depressed and I will spend most days with a pounding heart and no amount of deep breaths can pull me out of it, despite what my psychologist kept telling me to do (who I stopped seeing, but yesterday I made the effort to get a doctor’s referral to see another). With anxiety came the inability to make phone calls, sometimes not even to voice call friends on Skype to play games together. I can hardly even talk to other people aside from my close friends, which consists of 2 people now due to cutting people out of my life and others I guess where just tired of conversing with a debby downer like myself. Some people cry a lot but it's gotten to the point where for me, I can't even cry. Sometimes I do, and holy hell it actually feels relieving for me since it makes me actually feel something. Last night I considered self harm of the cutting type for the first time ever. I have done it before, early last year by snapping an elastic band on my wrist but after a couple days I stopped wearing it because self harm wasn't and still isn't something I want to succumb to, nor is suicide, but it's something that's always on my mind. I don't want to die, I'm scared to die, but every day my depression coaxes me. Sometimes the worst part is people not being able to understand how it feels. It's so complicated and I hate it. My own parents just think I'm being lazy, which is ironic as they have depression too. Another thing about my depression is I make up these weird scenarios in my head like none of my tiny amount of friends even like me, that I'm weird and that they just don't ever want to spend time with me, that they probably talk shit about me behind my back like me being a bitch because I cut this one girl out of my life because she was the worst friend I ever had but she's so much lovelier to everyone else. I honestly just could go on but I don't really want to write up a whole novel here and no one probably wants to hear it. But thanks if you read it all. It actually feels good to get this out because it's not something I feel I can talk about with my own friends.