Out with my SO and went to dinner at Red Lobster. Yeah, yeah, they have good biscuits. I ordered some crab alfredo and it was pretty good, service was nice, no screaming kids. Things are shaping up to be a fine date night.

We go see a movie after and there we are, enjoying it, cuddling up and relaxing. Then it starts. I feel the shift in my bowels. Like the mafipulation of gas through a series of tubes my plumbing is shifting and rearranging. Luck is still with me though, the film soon ends and we stand up to leave. At this point Adolf Shitler launches Operation Barbarossa into my guts. Satan himself starts squeezing my intestines like a desperate man torturing that last drop of toothpaste out.

I clench tightly and look with fear and trepidation to my SO. "Sweetie, we need to leave right now." I waddle to the restroom. Of course the line stretches to infinity. There is no way in hell I am chancing a public pants defecation, my shame must not be bared to all. Every step to the car is a battle and sweat glistens on my forehead with concentrated effort. Rubber squeals as I race from the parking lot to our, blessedly nearby, home.

I do credit to Jason Bourne with my weaving of traffic. Five minutes later I pull up, not even bothering to park properly. Disembarking the car is a herculean effort. A fire is in my belly and Johnny Cash's The Ring of Fire echoes sadistically the back of my mind.

Bursting through the front door I turn down the hallway. Ten feet to go, I don't think I can make it though. Trying to run, trying not to die, I turn the bathroom door handle, step within and feel my dignity slip away as liquid shit sprays down my legs. I'm standing in my bathroom looking at my toilet while shitting my pants. This all the gods in the universe mocking me.

There doesn't seem to be much of point now, but I pull off my now thoroughly defiled pants and,cleaning myself as best I can, proceed in the now largely symbolic act of sitting down upon the toilet. Then, the Allies invade my soft underbelly and a wave of nausea, magnified my pervasive smell of my own shit, causes my gorge to rise. In my weakened state I turn and somehow manage to vomit directly into my sink.

I am become humiliation, the destroyer of souls.