I'm late to this so it probably doesn't matter. But I'll tell my story I suppose. It's long and pointless, so there's no need to read it, but I figure I'd take the opportunity to express myself just a little.
It's a life-story kinda thing. It's not what this question was inquiring for. But still, it's nice to vent a little. Allow me to be selfish and break some rules. Or don't and delete it, I don't really mind, I just feel a tiny bit better typing it.
In short, I think just about everyone and everything in my life so far has been negative, and at the same time it's positive in how it made me into a man that understands pain - but it didn't make me a better person I think. In the end, I think my life has made me into a person that understands people's pain, but am able to shut-off my empathy and not care anyway.
Why would I be like this? Why would I be able to understand other people's pain and then crush them knowing how much it hurts?
Well, I guess at some point I concluded that it's in human nature to be terrible. That humans are a disease, that humans in their entirety are a problem. I was once told when speaking about some beliefs of mine that I don't sound human. My only response is, "Damn right I'm not".
Why would anyone have so much hate in them? Well.. all hate is born from either pain or indoctrination, so we'll begin there.
I was born in some Midwest shithole. I won't be specific, but it's a river town, full of what could be referred to as valley people, rednecks, ghetto losers, etc. Anyone with any future doesn't stay here, this place is for the poor, uneducated, violent, and addicts.
I was born to a totally messed-up mother. Of course, for most of my time with her, I didn't realize it completely, but I always knew she wasn't what society deemed acceptable.
Neither of my parents really wanted me I think. I don't think I'll ever get the full and total truth out of either one of them, they point fingers at one another. All I know is that one or more of them wanted an abortion, and that my mother had many before me. My mother tells me my dad tried to kill me by sitting on her, and that he'd go in the bathroom and hit himself and tell police that she attacked him. But I do know that she's violent, and dad says she's full of shit as always. However, my dad is a smart and manipulative person, so her side could be true as well.
That's what I have as parents. One poor and violently manipulative woman and one rich and smartly manipulative man. You have two manipulative assholes that hate each other pointing fingers, both of them narcissists that believe they can do no wrong, so who's to believe really? I wouldn't be surprised if the worst of both sides was true.
I guess that's irrelevant though. I'm alive and well. That's the point and end of that discussion. I'll never know what happened in the time before my own eyes and ears could serve me the truth.
Anyway, I guess it all starts in that valley small-town. The population is around 5,000, maybe 10,000 people, at least somewhere in that range. It's dotted with chruches like you'd expect these Midwest river towns to be, and you'd best be a God-fearing Conservative who's fond of farmers around here.
We lived in a tiny duplex. The place was hardly short of a dump, boxes everywhere, this woman was a pack-rat at best and hoarder at worst. Things are black with mold etc.
I lived in this place with my mother. Dad had long divorced my mother and left for another country before my earliest memories. I would live the first 10 years or so of my life without a father around, and I would never know what it's like for one to have siblings or for his parents to ever be in the same room and not want to kill each other. I am an only child to parents that divorced almost on my birth, and only ever married each other to begin with out of some pathetic guilt. When I think of it that way, I wish they'd have never had me. It's pathetic to have a kid out of some sick pity. What a disgrace. But nevermind that, again, I'm here, and that's all there is to it.
My mother... boy. Where do I start?
She's horrifying and yet pitiful. Her teeth have mostly gone black or fallen out, her hair was gray by the time I could remember and she was just 38 or something at that time, she was skinny/bony and her bones would crack with stress all the time.
She'd spend all her time on chatrooms and shit on some old computer. I'd never like to approach her because she treated me like an annoyance, if I ever asked any questions she'd get upset. She raised me to never question her authority and do as she and God says. Of course, she could twist God into whatever she sees fit as well. She downright called her parenting methods "punishment". Not discipline, but punishment, and that it's what I deserve. Hard spankings and, sometimes, downright getting slapped in the face or getting thrown across a room weren't outside of possibility. Heck, I was even left in my room for 2 days and had to piss in some plastic bucket I kept toys in once.
At least she's probably the reason I stayed out of bad crowds and will never touch drugs. But she's also probably the reason I had no social life and still don't. She kept me home all the time and would guilt-trip me into staying if I ever wanted to go anywhere, saying someone might kidnap me or kill me if I ever leave her sight. As such, I never had normal friendships or went to anyone's house etc.
I was a weird kid, almost alien-like really, when I got to school. I never interacted with anyone, and had no social knowledge. I was also loud and obnoxious and horribly annoying in general. I couldn't focus on much of anything after 3rd grade or so, even though I had some of the highest grades in the school before that somehow.
But I never made friends, and the teachers and staff always learned to hate me. Not just for my own actions, but because my mom would come to the school and engage in cussing fights with teachers in front of everyone often. I was hated on partly because my mother is insane as well. Nobody wants to be around the hellspawn of some demonic thing like her, it's just asking for trouble.
Even as a little kid though, I learned to manipulate and lie. I did it because I feared my mother. I knew my grandparents didn't approve of my mother, so I'd often use that to my advantage to get away from her and out of punishment.
Anyway, I'm gonna move forward a bit here. You get the idea - my mom was a violent woman who never believed she was ever wrong that wanted to keep me inside all the time for some reason. I don't really understand how a person can hate you so much and yet want to keep you imprisoned with them all the time.
Her own brother, my uncle (who is also not a great person), said "she's the only woman I know who can get in a fight with someone at a drive-through pickup window". She's a woman that gets in fights EVERYWHERE she goes. She's paranoid! She thinks everyone is out to get her, she thinks her neighbors are listening and spying on her, she thinks there's poison in the food, she thinks theres razorblades in my candy, she thinks everyone's discriminating against her and SHE'S GONNA SUE YOU ALL or call the police or some shit over it. She gets in a fight with ANYONE. I hated going anywhere with her. I find it incredibly arrogant of her to believe that SHE's so important that everyone wants to nose into her business or give her a hard time.
She was also so manipulative. Sometimes I knew she was full of shit and I would downright challenge her. When I got bigger and violence wouldn't work, she would then "break down" and start crying and trying to get me to feel bad for her, in other words, guilt trip me.
That's her process. Tell people what to do and force her ideals on others, if they resist then crush them with threats or violence, and if that doesn't work then play a pity-party game and try to win them over with her tears.
At this point as well, we're so poor that we're eating "Speghetti in butter" and wiping our asses with Wendy's napkins. Oh but boy, don't tell her to get a job - it's all because being a single mother is so hard! So, basically, it's my fault that she has no job, and she downright said that before. She just collects $500 in child support a month and begs for the rest from her parents. She's a fucking parasite. Oh and guess what? I haven't lived with her for 8 years and she still doesn't work and lives off welfare. She only tried to get a job once and was fired for being the rude bitch that she is.
This bitch is the first one to ruin me. She fucked my whole life up. I finally had enough one day. (continue in next comment)