It's my first mothers day, I have a 4 week old, so for the past month I've been a wreck obviously, because, you know... newborn. For mother's day, I'll I wanted was to have a memorable first mothers day. For him to do something that would really make it just stick out in my memory so I would never forget how this day felt for me.

Well, he succeeded. I will always remember how on my first mothers day, he didn't get me a gift and we magically somehow ended up broke this week, dispite us always being cautious with our money before. How all I wanted when I realized that wasn't possible was a day where he took care of the baby for the most part. I wanted to be able to sleep all night. Well, it's 5 am and I'm laying here in bed after he's told me that he "doesn't want me in his life anymore." All night we've been fighting over me getting a job, which I said I wouldn't do because I always made it very clear that I would not put my infant in daycare. He's 4 fucking weeks old for fuck sake. I've been frustrated, I've called him every name in the book, he's been equally as shitty to me... and the only thing I can think of is that I want to tell him the truth-- that I lied at my first therapy appointment last week. I am suicidal. I am suicidal as fuck. He makes me feel so goddamn useless, like I do absolutely nothing. I want to kill myself, but I can't imagine not seeing my son grow up. I can't imagine leaving him in this world without a mom. I love him too much to hurt him like that.

Sorry I got so heavy on you guys. It's just, fuck, I don't want to do this anymore. I love my husband but we have not been doing well lately, and he just hasn't been understanding of my newly diagnosed mental health issues at all. I'm sick, and he just doesn't understand that, or care, or something-- just Because he can't see it.