I don’t think I hate A. I get angry with A and I say that I hate him but I can’t seem to get it to progress to hate. I keep getting close but I can never go all the way and I fall back into caring for him pretty quickly because I tend to remember the good things about people and my memories always go back to the good times we had. Those are what stick in my mind and rise, unbidden to the surface on a regular basis. I have to actually work and put forth effort to pull the bad memories out. I am not good at dwelling on people’s mistakes. And, looking back at my life, I have never hated anyone before. I have disliked people, pitied them, and lacked respect for them but never hate. I have hated people’s actions but I have always separated the actions from the person. I can’t seem to hate A, or anyone else. And I would still give anything to make peace with him and resume our friendship, even after everything that has happened. If he called me up right now and wanted to make amends, I would treat him with kindness and friendliness and call it all water-under-the-bridge. I am just completely pathetic. Since A will never speak to me again, though, I have to figure out a way to live with things as they are. And so, I am hoping to eventually feel nothing but apathy toward him. That is what he feels towards me and he seems to have happily and successfully moved on with his life without a backward glance. Apathy seems to be the way to go.