"WHAT THE *FUCK!"* Satan bellowed.
My whole desk (and bones) shook with the cave.
"It's not that bad," Legion replied.
"Are you kidding me? It says it right! Fucking! *Here!"*
Satan punctuated every exclamation by tapping the back of his hand on the screen.
"Independent states granted! Borders open! EX-MILITANTS BONDING OVER CHESS AND *HOOKAH!*** Can you even begin to conceive how fucked I am? DO YOU SEE OUR FUCKING NUMBERS!?"
Watching the soul counter, Legion licked their lips and blinked their multiple snake/goat-eyed blinks, and waited cautiously instead of answering.
"That whole stint wasn't just a sweet left-over from the deal with 'Dolf. I worked on that divide for centuries. AND THEN THIS ASSHOLE COMES AND FUCKS IT ALL UP!"
He pointed his colossal finger at my skull, pushing it into me, like my head was nothing but soft wax. My vision went out as a monstrous migraine seared through my brain.
To be honest, the pain was a nice change from the monotony.
Sensing my relief, Satan grunted and quickly pulled out his finger from my head. My eyes came back into focus.
"They might inspire to stop violence," Legion said, their discordant voice resonating through my still-open wound. "But they won't stop all the hate."
Satan's phone beeped. He looked down at it.
"Oh no? Then please explain this: 'Limbaugh and Coulter's Apologetic Campaign Moves World - KKK Volunteer At NAACP Programs - Drug War Resources Become Rehab Clinic Support - *FEMINISTS TEAM UP WITH MRA'S TO SHUT DOWN DOMESTIC ABUSE!?"*
He shoved the screen into Legion's faces as their throats clicked. I just kept replying to comments. This message board was dead, but I was running out of places to debate arguments - there were discussions sure - but people weren't arguing anymore. Soon there wouldn't be any left. I always wondered what would happen then. My fingers couldn't stop either way, though. Even when they broke off at the joints.
"I never thought they'd... I mean that's..." Legion trailed off for a moment before shaking their heads. "But what of greed? Gambling? Avarice?"
"Ugh, I wish. Last April, the Trumps emptied their funds into supplies for self-sustaining communities, before moving into one themselves. Remember?"
"Ah, yes."
"I had their dad so tight in my pocket, too."
"Still, we have so many sins to offer..."
Satan nodded slightly, seemingly finding hope that he had not been completely beaten - at least, until his phone dinged again.
"Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck! A thousand horse-sized fucks!" Satan exclaimed alarmingly.
"What is it, your unholiness?"
"'Exxon Is Now the World Leader In Clean Energy.' China just won an award for human rights..." Satan looked up, his face contorted with hate and frustration. "Microsoft and Apple release OPEN PLATFORM OPERATING SOFTWARE WITH LINUX? FOR *FREE!?"*
"Oh."
"I swear, if you try to fucking run off and hide in a bunch of fucking pigs again, I WILL endlessly shove PINEAPPLES UP EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR ASSHOLES!"
Legion held their hands up, while the sound of my fingers clacking on the keys echoed faintly through the chamber. Satan turned his eyes to me, then back to Legion.
"I mean how the FUCK did he even DO it? I gave him a fucking 56k modem!"
Satan turned to me again.
"How the FUCK did you even get ANYTHING done on 56k!?"
"Well, really you could've just given me a 28k. I mean I'm sure you could even make something slow-"
I immediately shut my mouth when I registered what I was saying, but it was too late. Satan sat upright in a flash, glaring through my soul. He got up from his massive desk in a furious leaping motion, and tore the old clunky computer from me, throwing it into a flaming pit of magma. My fingers ached worse for the brief moment I wasn't typing.
Satan sat back down at his desk, fuming.
I resumed typing at the new/same computer at my desk, finding neither relief nor respite at my continued sentence.
A long silence ensued before Legion spoke up.
"We can still get them. They are weak. We simply need to campaign aggressively for-"
Another few dings from the Dark Lord's phone interrupted Legion.
Almost trembling, Lucifer read it aloud.
"The last of the banks closed. The NRA successfully called for global disarmament and demilitarisation. SOCIAL MEDIA TRENDS ABANDONED FOR ACTUAL *CHARITY** WORK!*"
He howled the last words, flipping over a behemoth of a filing cabinet. Legion winced. A loud clang was barely audible in the distance, though not coming from the cabinet smashing against the floor. Smoke seemed to escape from Satan's nostrils, his mouth scrunching around his fangs like he had tasted his own stench.
It was then that I noticed that it wasn't smoke coming from him, but fog- like your breath during winter - and no one noticed the soul counter stopped moving. An unsettling chill had taken over the air.
A chime this time, from his phone.
I watched Satan's pupils narrow to tiny dots. Those small burning points of rage (and now, fear,) darted down to his phone - and his whole face and body slacked.
He threw the phone across the room. It bounced toward us as he put his head down on his desk, sobbing.
Both curious, Legion and I looked down at the phone. On it, we saw a text that read:

"Dad:
lol I win. best 2 outta 3?
love, dad"

"It doesn't seem that bad," I said.
"Shut up, Vargas," Satan sobbed from his desk.