"So listen to this shit", I say, nudging my buddy as we head to the party. "I was headed south on grand by the old gas station and all of a sudden, some geriatric scum bag gives me a gentle fuck you tap to my bumper. Luckily, she was only going about 40 mph. No big deal.", I say sarcastically, my face now flushed with anger. I thought it might sound funny if I said it out loud but... nope, no, it does not.
"What? Damn, son, that really sucks", he says halfheartedly, his tone exuding gobs of excitement.
"Yes, it does suck Rodger. Thanks for pointing that out. But really, the most asinine part of the whole ordeal is Nationwide said I was the one who was at fault. The claim's adjuster said, according to an ultra bias police report, that at the scene of the crash I was acting like "a pussy ass bitch" and I shit you not, I was also described as "being a straight up douche cannon". I mean, what kind of stunt are they trying to pull?
"Well, damn Tony, were you being a "douche cannon"or what?", Rodger turns to look at me while we drive down the highway, his eyes are blood red from the freshly smoked joint he had been puffing.
"What Rodger? Are you serious or do I need to karate chop your throat? Of course I wasn't. I was literally sitting at a red light playing on my phone... And by that, I mean I was just wrecking some noob in HearthStone", I say with a proud face, temporarily forgetting how pissed I am.
Rodger just nods his fat his head in agreement, obviously day dreaming about some nonsensical Rodgerisms.
We drive in silence for sometime. Watching Rodger drive and better yet riding with Rodger, is maybe the closest I have been to dying. The amount of potential head on collisions that have almost happened in the past two hours is mind boggling.
We continue to ride through the Vegas desert when out of no where, my phone vibrates with a text message. I look down and quickly realize I have absolutely zero idea whose number it is.
Dear Tony
Oh, yes. Formal introduction? Automatically, the text cannot be bad.
Who is this "douche cannon now", you little piece of horse ass. This old hag is about to break it off in you big time. Go home tonight, look at that online bank account you have and say bye-bye you baby back bitch. I am coming in hard for all that money
Signed Your Grandma
My phone vibrates again. This time, a text from my saved nationwide number
Hey Tony, it's Bobby, I am your assigned claims adjuster here at Nationwide. I am unhappy to announce that Nationwide cannot cover this claim, nor can we subjugate on your behalf. What you did to Mrs. Freda was just... it was just downright wrong, you little nasty prick. We can't cover you, so don't call us about shit
I stare at the text in disbelief. What in the hell is everyone talking about? I was literally playing hearthstone, minding my own damn business. Why are they making up shit?
My phone rings one more time, another text message from Nationwide.
Got ya bitch!
April Fools you filfthy animal. This is Justin Revis from Nationwide Insurance. We just wanted to inform you that this has all been a big prank! We like play jokes on our customers, just to show you that we are cool and dedicated. I mean, what other company pranks you that hard?
Holy shit, he is serious.
But really, it is all good. The old lady was really a great sport. She embraced those text messages like a blazing cheetah! And I do not mean to boast but, my performance was worthy of an Oscar. Just know that we got your car covered! I'll give you a call about the details tomorrow. Thanks man and thank Nationwide for the good times.
I set my phone gently beneath my legs. My disbelief mixed between the fact that he compared the old lady to a cheetah and he said he was worthy of an "Oscar". In my opinion, both equally bad.
"Rodger, please light that joint up. I think it is time to partake", I say to my buddy, my mind now relaxed.
I take a deep inhale, the smoke filling my lungs with the magical goodness.
My mind gets lost in the radiant sunset shining through. As I reflect, I start to reflect on the ordeal and I understand their was a lesson to be learned.
And that lesson is, Nationwide is not on your side. It's actually not even near you and it quite possibly is multiple blocks away.
Shitty company.