Do you believe in love at first sight?
I did, and did really is the word I need to put emphasis on.
Well whether you do or don't that's fine and besides the point, because I absolutely believe in hate at first sight. I am not talking about not liking someone or something based on first glance, I mean a feeling so deep in your soul, so gut wrenching, so irredeemable that it become a memory stained in time. A feeling so ingrained into your mind that it consumes you, and as years pass and your memory begins to fog, it becomes a beacon on to which you anchor your past.
The moment I laid eyes on her I felt it. If I had turned around never to see her again, the amount of misery and pain she gave to me would of all but evaporated. A heated flash of blood coursed through my body as I was ushered forward to be introduced. I was lucky to have a pair of sunglasses to hide the red of my eyes, and it took all I had to muster up a smile as I said hello.
I was greeted with silence, her back as stiff as mine as we looked at each other. Tense seconds past that felt like minutes without a word before the silence was broken by my sister.
"See, she is just like Shadow. Isn't she cute?"
I could of screamed but with tight lips I turned around and walked out of the pen. I could not believe that after 15 years, the day after she died, we would be sitting is some shitty mall 45 minutes away, looking for a replacement.
My dad brought home Shadow 2 weeks after I was born (without telling my mother), which thoroughly pissed her although, only slightly more than the fact than the fact Shadow was ghost white.
"A boy needs a dog" he said.
When he left us I was 2, but by then me and Shadow had bonded, and while my mom was never fond of her, there was no getting rid of her.
And now here we are. With the scent of stale pretzels, dog shit, and the stench of perfume from the booth in the middle of the mall flooding me as I held back my own.
3 years passed, and I loathed that dog every second. Even after years he still shit in the house every time it rained, and for us that meant often. I inevitably was tasked to clean up after him, "A boy needs a dog, right?" my mom would say.
The dog, that's all I ever called "it", was a pain in the ass and would bark incessantly at even seemingly nothing through out each and every night propped up on the couch facing out the window.
The dog would jump onto our table and eat what ever it could While we were still eating.
The dog would run into the bathroom, drag out condoms from the waste bin, and leave them in the middle of the house.
Worst of all my mom and sister loved her. Her and her big eyes, ears and paws. Her and the way she yawned, sneezed howled. The way they called her by name, nick name and insisted that she was the best dog they ever had, and meant it.
As the spring drew to an end, I look forward to escaping my house and moving to the dorms and the university I was accepted into. I spent most nights out chasing the girls I always crushed on, but never had the courage to chase, and talking shit with best friends.
While the blur of nights all melted together, each night ended the same. Coming home and waking up my mom and sister. While I would argue this was not my fault, neither the dog nor they had no problem barking at me the next morning.
And then one day it was silent. It was 2:00 am, an "early" night for me and I crept towards the front door and slid my key in with baited breath. I slid the lock open, and waited for the inevitable roar from the dog.
But nothing.
I opened the door, and looked over to the couch to see nothing save for the indent in the cushions it made from the past 3 years. I assumed that either my mom or sister had her in their rooms for the night, something that was rare but not unheard of. I climbed into bed with a smile, and went to sleep.
I woke up to a hard knock on the door, which scared the shit out of me. With my heart racing I went to the front door, and before I could make it half way my heart sank. I could see the squad cars out the windows. I opened the door and learned what misery was.
Some how, some way, by some twisted fate the dog lived. My mom had left to go pick up my sister, she had been drinking and needed a ride home, only to both be killed by a drunk driver on the way back home. My mom had taken the dog for what I can only assume to be that we wouldn't bother each other when I got back, and because it was in the back seat it survived.
Abby was hurt really bad, and despite the fact I hated her, it was just us, and after the parade of family and friends came in the pay their respects, it was just us.
I can't begin to express the emptiness I felt. For months after I would stay home, wandering my house like a ghost, surrounded by the shadow of my family. I could smell them, hear them and when I closed my eyes I could almost see them. I ended up deferring to go to school for a year (After hearing about the accident I was actually granted a stipend and waived tuition). My friends were relentless but I was a wreck. I was a shell of myself, and even surrounded by people who truly cared about me, I was alone.
And one day I realized I wasn't
Me and Abby never bonded before, infact I had never really pet her before as crazy as that sounds. For months she was glued to her spot on the tv with a blank face as the tv idly murmured in the background.
As I made a laps around my house, roaming through each room I noticed her behind me. I looked at her with a stiff back and red eyes, and she looked at me with her head hung. We wandered together for hours until we couldn't anymore, and as I collapsed into bed she laid next to me.
I didn't hate her anymore, but to be fair I really didnt feel anything at all. The next morning was the first day I had left my house for anything besides groceries in months. I bought a pack of 6 tennis balls and drove over to the dog park and from 8:30 to 6 we were there.
I was still wandering a lot, Abby did not know how to fetch, but I didnt mind. I was outside and needed the exercise just as much as she did. By the end of the day she would chase the balls I would throw and collect them in a corner of the fenced park. It wasn't much but it was progress, and as I climbed into bed that night she joined me.
Weeks had past, and not once had we missed a day at the park. The leaves were teasing the colors of fall, but the cool air felt great against my skin. We had worked out the kinks to fetch, it wasn't much but we were a team.
I don't know what it was about Abby that made her special, she wasn't very bright, or affectionate, and was incredibly stubborn, but she was the reason I was able to pull out of a really dark part of my life. It was almost as if I could feel the love that my family had put into her that radiated off her, and to me she became more than a dog, but the surviving remnants of my mom and sister.
Last night I heard a barking near the front door, I got out of bed cursing under my breath to see Abby at the door. It was pouring outside, with the echos of thunder in the distance she barked again to be let out. When she was finished she ran back inside straight to my bed and shook off her damp coat, spraying my room. With a sigh I climbed into my bed next to a wet dog that smelled like a wet dog, and as I fell asleep I let myself smile for the first time.