"Welcome back to Channel 5 news, bringing you what's important and what's local. Our top story tonight continues the ongoing saga of what has now been dubbed, 'The Chuck'e Cheese Wars.' What had started as a local incident between Russian immigrants and the downtown Chuck'e Cheese has now exploded into a national conflict. Joan Gonzagas has the story. Joan?"
"Thank you Tom, behind me sits the charred remains of a Chuck'e Cheese in our own Palmyra, Indiana. Just one of the countless victims in this absurd conflict." The scene switches to a montage of sub-par pizza-and-play establishments collapsed, burnt, and burning across the USA. Joan narrates, "It all started when Russian immigrant David Chroprufka set out to find employment in the American economy. After being turned down a job, due to his poor English skills, Chroprufka organized a small band of immigrants to fire bomb a Chuck'e Cheese on the west end of Chicago. "From that point, there have been constant acts of aggression from both sides resulting in the deaths of nearly a hundred agitators and innocents. Channel 5 sought out Chroprufka for his thoughts on all this senseless violence; however, we discovered that the original agitator of this conflict had already been killed."
The scene switches to local Palmyra deputy Travis Hankins as he comments on Chroprufka's death. "We found the body of David Chroprufka (45 years old) in a parking lot in front of a Bed, Bath, & Beyond last week. We had to submit him for DNA testing because the skin on his face had been melted off with molten cheese. Testing confirmed that the body was in fact David and also that the cheese was the exact brand of plastic used by Chuck'e Cheese branches in this region."
Joan continues, "Deputy Hankins informed channel 5 that Chroprufka was performing illegal activities in Palmyra when he was killed. The death Russian immigrant's poster-child has led to our small town becoming the front lines of this conflict. Last night immigrants succeeded in overpowering the minimum wage employees-turned-mercenaries and burned the established to the ground after a three day long siege. Rough estimates put at least 15 children inside at the time of the fire bombing. This is just the latest in horrific acts committed by both sides in a senseless war. However, with the Palmyra store destroyed the question now becomes, where will the next front line be established? How will Chuck'e Cheese respond to the gruesome attacks? Where is the goddamn military? Back to you Tom."
Back in the studio, "Thank you Joan for some grade A journalism. Channel 5 contacted local Army Base, Camp Atterbury, to ask where they were and why they refused to help. The United States Army replied, 'It's a fucking Chuck'e Cheese. We ordered a platoon of reserve to go in and break up the fighting, but after the firebombs, we recalled all forces. No American wants to die fighting for a fucking Chuck'e Cheese. Screw off.'
"Channel 5 also reached out to Russian president, Vladimir Putin, who had this to say, 'These are not Russian soldiers, these are rebels dissatisfied with the poorly run governm... Company Chuck-a-cheesy. Russia takes no responsibilities; however we have moved several battleships off the shore of eastern US to ensure our borders are safe and that no Russian citizens are harmed in this unfortunate conflict.'
"Truly a terrible situation. It has been reported that these 'Rebels' have been witnessed using AN-94 Abakin assault rifles, night vision, and support from two MiGs based somewhere off the eastern shore of the U.S. Chuck'e Cheese has responded by equipping all employees with AR-16s and US standard issue claymores. Chuck'e Cheese has also released an official statement saying, 'Pay no mind to these protestors, Chuck'e Cheese has been and will always be an American, Christian, and Ethical food chain. Even in the face of these liberal terrorists, all branch's doors are still open to the general public and to ensure the american population, all pizza is now half off! And, and, and Kids eat free too!'
"Channel 5 has vowed to follow this situation until the bloody end to ensure our ratin... The safety of the American public."