Dear childhood bully,

There's a lot I'd like to say, and a lot I've already said. You made my life a living hell. You did the basic stuff, like beating me up for looking at your wrong, or destroying my stuff, or trapping me in various spaces where I wasn't found for hours on end. You also did some advanced work, good for you, like calling me all sorts of names, telling me I belonged in special classes, telling me I had no real friends and any friends I made would find out how disgusting I was eventually, even making fun of me when my dog died in high school.

There's a lot of roads of grief processing I've been down, several times over, and I keep ending up back where I started, but I'm getting further and further away each time, so I guess that's progress. And where are you? You're still in the same place, you haven't even tried to move from where I left you.

I've grown the wrong direction, all over the place. I guess I have you to thank for that. But at least I've still grown. Yes, I still break down at some little moments of remembrance, and you shouldn't still have this hold on me, but I can deal with it a little better each time. Yes I still have nightmares, and it's pathetic I know, but now I can wake up to a life without you in it, and that's a start.

My greatest fear is that my child, someday, has a bully like you. I couldn't live with myself if I let this happen, because it will be my fault to let a toxic person like you enter into my child's life, when I've come out the other side and I should know. But I know people like you are everywhere, and I will raise my child, or children, to be strong - unlike you.

At least you taught me that.

Thanks Mom.

Love, me.